A journey to nowhere
by Pen to word
Summary: Mickey Milkovich has growing feelings for Ian Gallagher as he goes off to serve his country.
1. Chapter 1

**A Journey to nowhere**

"Don't..."

"Just..."

Mickey Milkovich was still sat on his bed, still holding back tears, still. Those sentences were never finished, not because he couldn't finish telling Ian Gallagher exactly what he wanted, but because he didn't know what he wanted. Had he somehow let this convenient hook up get to him? He knew that something was different in the last few weeks. He had been spending more time with Gallagher, he even let his guard down and kissed him, but he had put that down to _playing the game_. When his dad walked in on them, for a moment he had gone for Gallagher - So many excuses had sprung to mind, he got drunk, he didn't know what was happening; he let his dad attack Ian, and then he knew, he knew he couldn't let that happen.

What followed was acting. He had to act tough, masculine, dominant. That's what his Dad Terry Milkovich had taught him to be, so he did what he always did, he did as he was told. He looked at Gallagher for a while to get him hard, but after a few seconds, he couldn't bare to look him in the eye. Not just at that moment in time, but for the next 3 weeks. Gallagher had hunted him down a few times, wanted him to explain what happened, talk about feelings, explain what was going to happen next. It was during those few weeks that he discovered why he had gotten close to Gallagher.

Those weeks were hell apart from him. Work kept him occupied, he wanted to give beat downs, not because it showed his brothers that he was a man, but because the sweet pain from his hands let him grieve. Grieve because he knew what he had to do, he had to move on from his happiness, he had to grow up and be a man. That was until Gallagher found him, shooting empty bottles on the roof top of some ruined apartments. Then he grieved. Mickey had given the final blow, he didn't want to, he did want to, he didn't know. After that beat down, he found his mind in another place. He knew he was going to be told to marry _the Russian_... He knew that he wasn't man enough to be able to say no.

When Gallagher turned up just before the service, it had felt like heaven. He had done his best work pissed off... That wasn't why it had felt like heaven. It felt like heaven because he had been close to him. He for a moment thought that he could have both of them. Having Gallagher around, close to him, making him smile, holding him... It was with that sweet thought that got him through the next few days. He hadn't gone on a honeymoon, money was tight, and he knew he didn't want to be alone for long with his new wife Svetlana. They didn't like each other, they both knew exactly why they were in this situation. Mickey because he had been fucked by a man, and his new wife because she owed money, lots of money.

Suddenly Gallagher turned up, he knew it, he could feel it. Mandy had bounced to the door as Mickey was finishing his work out. He kept himself in shape, not just because of work or the looks he got from people in the dark dingy clubs, but because it gave him something to do to pass the time. He seemed to be stuck in a commie prison. He got Gallagher in his room to show him the changes, his new room had moved because he needed more space with his wife. No longer would his dad walk through his room every morning for the bathroom. Privacy- that isn't what he wanted, he'd happily have traded privacy for something much more.

He was finally content, wanted to chit-chat, he wanted to feel as close to normal as he could ever be described as again - just as it had been before they had been caught. Gallagher had acted weird. Mickey had expected it, but he knew he could get what he wanted. Gallagher just stood there, didn't want to enter his martial room, barely spoke, always looking straight at him. He didn't know what to do, get him in the mood, make him laugh... No, this didn't work...

"I'm leaving town..."

"I've found a way around it..."

"Don't what..."

Mickey Milkovich was still sat on his bed, a tear aching to be shed. Ian was still near, he could hear the pellet gun outside. He could hear him spend his last few hours with his best friend, his little sister. Mandy Milkovich had known, had Gallagher told her all the little details, had she overheard their conversation? The one thing that killed Mickey more than anything was simply that Gallagher wasn't even planning on telling him, four years, at least... If he even would make it back.

They had finally stopped shooting outside, Mandy had dropped off the pellet gun inside, they were done - He was gone. Almost.


	2. Chapter 2

Honesty...

Trust...

Mandy Milkovich had come in to drop off the pellet gun as her brother sat silently on his bed. She had given Mickey time over the last few days to come clean to her. She knew what Ian had told her, well told everyone; it was something that she just knew, but convinced herself wasn't true. All the times Ian had to go to the toilet, pop into work to pick up stuff, had to run home to grab his forgotten assignments between classes. She knew that there was someone, someone wrong for him, someone he was ashamed to admit to her.

Honesty is what happened to Ian at the wedding of Mickey Milkovich. Honesty is what happens when your blood has so much alcohol in it, that it is no longer able to stop you doing what you want. To be more clear, it is no longer able to filter out what you're not supposed to want. That day Ian appeared from nowhere with her brother...

"I'm havin a fucking smoke. Is that alright?"

She had been so blind not to see how Ian had changed the moment she had told him about the wedding plans. Why hadn't she wondered why all of a sudden he was best mates with her mental brother? Then at the wedding it became more clear. Ian just sat drinking neat vodka, wasn't looking near her, occasionally looking at her brother. He wouldn't leave the seat to get another drink or even dance with her. Then his brother Lip Gallagher came in, the one person in the world who he would tell everything to, good or bad. Mandy had naively thought that there were 2 people that he could trust, not true. Not even close.

"He did it. Got married to a woman... Try sitting on your ass while the person you love... Sorry the guy you've been fucking gets married to some commie skank..."

That was honesty. For that one moment in time, no matter the consequences, Ian was who he truly was. He spoke his mind, let his feelings come out, not in exchange for love, money, friendship or family, but in exchange for the truth, without reservations. Trust, well trust is putting your faith in the fact that no matter what honesty is that you will get to where you want to go. Trust that what little love you have to offer, that it is not abused or rejected, forgotten or taken for granted.

.

"When did he tell you?" Mickey sounded drained, rejected.

"When are you going to tell me?" Mandy replied to her brother in bitter anger, because of him, her soul mate would leave until whenever. "He never told me, I overheard something at your sham of a wedding; assumed that if it was true you'd tell me. I overheard you trying to get your fucking little kicks just now for fuck sake!" Mandy needed to breathe, couldn't let herself get to near or attached.

"There's nothing to tell, what do I care anyways? If he wants to go, let him go; it aint my decision anyways."

"He gave you the choice of you or yous. He waited for you to speak, just then when I was stood there in the hall. So whats it gonna be?"

"What d'you mean?" Mickey said confusedly.

"Well he told you shit-for-brains when and where he's gonna be." Mandy had had enough of playing goose-ball, "By 6:30 tomorrow morning he'll be gone - I hope you and Svetlana will be happy, I assume she knows about your little situation? Well don't come near me until you can work out _what it means_!"

It had taken a few minutes before Mickey had decided he needed to move out of his room. He didn't need Gallagher, he had other friends, family, responsibility. Would life be any different without him? Sure work would be a lot more boring, sure he'd have no one to talk to about the value of bottle tops, or action films. He wasn't alone now anyway. He was going to be a dad, he was still wanted, needed. Svetlana might not have been in love with him, but that didn't mean that she couldn't be happy with him. He never knew his mom, she had left when he was little, something that both he and Gallagher had had in common. He sure as hell wasn't gonna leave his son with Svetlana, or around his own sham of a Dad.

.

As Ian walked home alone, still wiping a single silent tear from his eye. He knew that through all his pain, his friend still needed him; but he also knew there was nothing that he could do, say, explain that would make Mandys fantastic relationship work. Just like he had accepted that there was nothing anyone else could do, say or explain that would stop him from moving on with his life, moving on from Mickey. There was one exception, he hadn't expected Mickey to be around, but as much as he wanted to be close to him he had to think about himself. Mickey Milkovich was pretty fucked up, nothing any professional could fix, nothing a good fight could help with. Like a hard drug, if you don't get help, you'll always need just a little more. Today when he spoke he, for the first time, could hear the auto-cue in Mickeys voice. He never said what he wanted to say, just what he needed to say.

There had been weeks to talk things through, for Mickey to explain that he didn't care about him - that he was going to do exactly as his Dad told him. As ashamed as Ian was to admit it, even after all the pain, if Mickey had been able to admit that he loved Ian, then it would all be forgotten. Clean slate. He didn't need promises that they would move in together, or that they would make plans for the weekend, or even that they would see each other in school. Although he never needed Mickey to say that he was gay, he just needed to know that he would be able to admit his feelings for Ian someday. That would never happen.

As Ian kicked a piece of stone at an empty glass bottle on his way along the street, he wanted to turn around, he wasn't fully anything anymore. By joining the army he would find himself again, not the same bright brand new toy... Just a hand-me-down one would do. He didn't need anyone. He loved his family, he cared for his friends, but he would need to learn that none of them mattered to him. Especially when he didn't matter to himself. That was the effect that this his secret drug, Mickey Milkovich, had had on him. Before he knew it, he had found himself at the top of the ruined building that they used to fool around in. It felt wrong being there, and right. He would stay here one last time. He didn't plan any explanations, excuses or apologies for his selfish act, his family would be told by Mandy in the morning that he was gone- that she had promised him. She couldn't explain why.

He would stay here one last time because for the last time, he allowed himself to remember who he had become before being broken again like the broken glass bottle.


	3. Chapter 3

Tic...

Toc...

_Tic toc... _It was driving Mickey around the bend. It was as if time wanted to remind him that it was running out. He couldn't talk to his dad about what was happening, if he even thought that Mickey had been fucked since Svetlana first fucked him then they'd both be dead. Mandy was making it perfectly clear she didn't want to get involved, so much so that she had left to finally speak to Lip about her own personal problems. He couldn't stand to speak to Svetlana, but other than her that left Ian. Gallagher, the person he knew could make it better, but he still resisted. If only he could speak to him, make him see sense.

_Tic toc..._ Gallagher always wore the trousers in their _friendship_. He always wanted more, that was one thing that Mickey couldn't give. Sure for the first time in his life he actually had someone to hang out with, someone to share life stories with... But that was all. There was never going to be a conversation, there was never going to be a partner. That's what he convinced himself of, what his dad convinced him about. Perfect role model.

_Tic toc..._ Why wouldn't that fucking clock stop! If time stopped for just one night, he could work everything out, he could work out what he wanted, needed. Four years? Could Mickey last that long alone? There was never any guarantee that they would even be friends in a month, why should he stop Gallagher going? He wasn't alone, he had plenty of people to talk to. Mickey pulled out his phone and looked down his list of contacts, he had never noticed that he only had 21. 3 of them were Gallagher - Home, work and play.

.

"You're nothing but a warm mouth to me."

.

_Ring..._ Ian didn't need to look at his phone to know who it would be. He knew Mickey would eventually want to work in an angle. It wasn't the first time that Ian felt like this. When Frank Gallagher had first caught them, Mickey had run off to Juvie, Monica had tried to help Ian to enlist to the army then. It didn't work, she had no subtlety; Ian had learnt that mistake. This time all the cards were on the plate, Mickey knew how he felt and didn't feel the same. Simple.

_Ring... _Should he even bother picking up the phone to check? Right now, did he want to speak to anyone? Would hearing Lips voice or Carls stupid questions make it easier to abandon them? No matter who it was it was going to be hard. There and then he made the decision that he owed them all one last conversation. Just as he made the decision, his phone rang out. He wouldn't have the courage to speak to them all, one person would get that privilege He found it strange that he was so ready to walk into a desert and be shot at, but didn't have enough bravery to just answer his phone.

_Ring_... Before he knew it, he automatically called back Mickey. Before he knew it, he was listening to something that made his gut wrench. Crying, well close, sobbing. Those first 3 minutes of almost silence brought Ian back to his senses, but it didn't mean he had anything more to say; Mickey would have to make the first move.

"Don't... Just don't do it." Mickeys voice was trembling, Ian had never heard that before. "What do you want from me? What do I need to do?"

"I don't need anything from you. I don't want anything from you. It's taken me this long to see it, but you just don't care." Ian paused, just enough to give Mickey time to respond, "You've never cared, for fuck sake you got married, you are married."

"That don't matter, it's just a piece of paper." Mickey defensively replied.

After another moment, Ian said his farewell, "You asked me what I wanted, needed; right fucking there. I told you that all I've needed was for you to give a fuck about me, and all you can do is change the subject. Don't bother calling, cause this phone's gonna get smashed..."

All Mickey could hear was a loud bang, and then the line went dead. The warmth left his body, like walking into the shadows.


	4. Chapter 4

Fuck...

Fuck...

That fucking piece of shit. Why, oh fucking why did he have to be so self-centred? After what they'd been through, a few words of explanation, was that really too much to ask for? No, he knew he didn't deserve it. Why did he ever get involved with a Milkovich? He knew it was a mistake, there was no one else and he had needs, Cash wasn't around and Lip was still convinced he wasn't a queer. The one thing he didn't bank on was falling for him. Who ever knew Ian was more stupid than Mickey? At least the painful truth was out.

The phone was damage limitations. He knew that had he continued listening to Mickey that eventually he'd be kept for another week. A walk in the park, being seen out in public... Never hands, never kisses, never intimate eye contact - not because of Mickey, but because they are no goes in the Southside. But being with him? Now he had to live without that, no more movie nights, smoke breaks, ball games... Now he would have other people to think about, his soon to be comrades. The irony of Mickey with his commie and Ian with his own version allowed him to have a short lived smile before he himself broke down again.

He looked at his phone, suddenly hoping that it could be fixed - no, too late, too fucking late.

.

Fuck...

Fuck...

That fucking piece of shit. Why, oh fucking why did he have to be so self-centred? After what they'd been through, a few words of explanation, was that really too much to ask for? No, that cunt wasn't going to get off that lightly. Mickey decided that if it took him until 6:30 to find him and ruin his little pity parade that it was what had to be done. Done is done. Was he doing for himself? Was he doing it because it was the right thing to do? Would he ever be able to speak of anyone called Gallagher ever again?

With that he called his sister, hoping that she'd know something that he didn't; but she wasn't answering. He decided that the only option was to call around the Gallaghers. Did they even know? Did they all know about the 2 of them? As Mickey was pouncing out the front door, he nearly ran into Svetlana, she was on a break.

"Sorry babe, I'm gonna be busy tonight - may not be back. Treat yourself!" Mickey gave her some cash, even though the whole marriage was just out of convenience he knew she had to be treated right. She was carrying his kid after all. She simply smiled and walked into the now empty house, at last a night without being woken up by the snore that she had been driven mad by!

.

Mickey banged the back door of the Gallaghers house, but having heard the volume from outside the door, decided to just walk in. The house was pretty full for Lips Graduation party, at least his private conversations would stay private. Most of the guests were already well on their way to happy land! Out of the corner of his eye he saw the first fist come straight at his face. Bang!

"What the fuck have you done! Where is he? He should be here..." Bang! "Tell me before I tell your dirty little secrets to everyone here, like your _necklace_ or the fact that you like fists... Where is my fucking brother!?"

Lip Gallagher, of course he should have known that the first person Mandy would tell would be Lip. The loud mouth addition to any party, the last thing he wanted was to have to accept that it was Gallagher that told him every detail about what they did. Mickey felt like a shell at the fact that all those secrets he trusted Gallagher with, weren't really secrets, more like security. Something to keep him on a leash with, in case anything nasty happened. FUCK! Bang! All he could feel was emptiness, pain, blood...

"Ah! I don't know where he is! I thought that you would..." Mickey finally got out before he'd have to start fighting back.

"Good to see you can still take it..." Mandy said pointing at Mickeys face, finally smiling since she arrived. At least he was doing something, and that something was enough for her to defend her little brother. "Where did he say he was? Have you called him?" Mandy asked as she pulled her phone out.

"Put it away, I've been calling him for the last 20 minutes and its going straight to mail." Lip said, allowing the stinging pain in his hand to be washed over by more whiskey.

"So where is he?" Mandy asked Lip, hoping that of all the people in the world, Lip Gallagher would be the best chance of finding him.

"I don't know, have you looked anywhere yet?" Lip asked, planning, his mind reciting the places that he knew Ian would go; but taking into account that he always had the option of turning up to stop him in the morning. "If you were him, where would you be?"

"There is only one place, I'll head there, can you check the alibi, the el, work... Lip you know where he'll be. Why ask me?" Mickey said, knowing deep down the one place that they both went when things got bad... He didn't want to take the risk of missing him though. At least if more people looked for him, they had a chance...

With that Mickey headed for Gallagher, their spot, the one place they could hold hands, kiss, touch, feel, look at each other and know what would happen. Lip headed to the boozers, where at least Ian would be getting too intoxicated to be up that morning, and Mandy headed to anywhere else that sprang to mind - after all being his best friend meant that she too had secret hang outs. It always surprised Mickey how for such a big city, there seemed to be secret hiding places, and that is when he allowed himself to finally run on, determined.

"Not everybody gets to blurt out how they feel every minute Gallagher... You're in luck, once every 4 years, today."


	5. Chapter 5

Hello...

Where is he...

It had been hours since Lip, Mandy and Mickey had gone out in search of Ian. The one thing they had forgotten about was checking Ians belongings. Ian knew that eventually Mandy and Lip would attempt to try finding him, he had banked on that being the case. He knew that neither of them would tell the rest of his family what was happening.

It was 2am, and the party had died out, Ian sneaked in to get all his stuff. He was lucky, the house was completely and unnaturally silent - all asleep. He felt like he was trespassing, dancing on someones grave... It was wrong even being back here knowing what he was doing to them, this was the last time he would see this place. Since it was dark outside he had difficulty seeing, keeping the lights off so as not to wake anyone - but he knew that he didn't deserve to see it.

Moving quickly, he managed somehow to silently grab all his things without waking up Fiona. Carl, Liam and Debbie could sleep through a bomb, but he knew she would be on the look out to make sure he got back safely. He had been spending more and more time away at night, and combined with the fact that she was celebrating more than anyone else Ian liked his chances.

Suddenly, he heard the door downstairs open, the kitchen light went on, but not the living room. For a moment he wondered who it was, but it didn't take long for the guilt to come; like listening in on your own funeral.

"We've a couple more hours, but I think our best chance is to get him there." Lip logically stated. He had expected his brother back, he was surprised that he hadn't gone straight to bed though.

"We gotta keep looking, he's gotta be somewhere. By the way, what do you think he meant when he said 'I found a way around that'? What can he do?" Mandy said, he found it strange that she seemed just like her brother. Didn't want to tell Ian what he thought to his face, but deep down more concerned than his own brother.

"Well, he's passed all the entry tests, Collins said the only other thing he needs is photo ID. But he's probably already got that..." Mickey said, deflated. He thought he knew Gallagher better than he knew himself, he did. He found Gallaghers phone, the SIM card smashed too, sat next to an empty whiskey bottle.

"Is everyone asleep? Should we tell them?" Mandy stated, Ian knew that they were about to find out how much stealth Ian had. At the noise of the fridge opening and beer bottles clattering against each other, Ian moved silently to the front door, opened it and stood there.

"What if we don't find him?" That simple question silenced them all momentarily, like watching a car crash and being completely unable to do anything about it. Stunned.

Lip had gone upstairs, put the lights on and discovered that Ian had been and gone. "Fuck! Shit!" He screamed from upstairs, somehow not waking anyone. Ian was correct in thinking that he wouldn't need to worry about making noise, but glad he took no chances. As he pounced down the stairs, Mandy and Mickeys eyes locked, they knew what this meant.

"He's gone." With that Mickey ran out the house with a bottle of vodka, half empty. With that Gallagher ran out on them all, he knew the one place they wouldn't look. He needed to get some rest, he would sleep behind enemy lines.


	6. Chapter 6

It was nearly 5:30 when Mickey finally headed back home, he had finished the vodka hours ago. He had sat where he knew Gallagher had been only a few hours ago, he held his phone sitting on the cold ground. He was now only 2 minutes away from his home, he needed to get a shower, change of clothes and some food. In an hour Gallagher would be gone, with no chance of a redemptive explanation. Mickey was pinning all his hopes on catching him when he showed up to enlist. Tired, he was so tired. As he got in, he sat down on the warm sofa for a minute. Mandy and Lip had gone to sleep earlier, he was the sole person thinking about Gallagher.

As his eyes started to give way, despite the fact that his mind was racing, he was slowly lulling himself to sleep. Then suddenly, he heard a creek, a door opening and closing over. It was almost silent, but having grown up in the Milkovich house you got used to being insanely alert. Mickey turned on the sofa to see the shadow opening the door, as he did so the moonlight lit up his face.

"Don't"

Ian Gallagher, didn't expect anyone to be here, especially at this time of the morning. He was banking on Mickey and Mandy staying out to find him. He hadn't expected one of them to come back home, especially since he was about to leave. Like a kid getting caught at the Cash n Grab, and being caught by Mickey Milkovich as you're walking out the door. His voice was more assured than when he used that word earlier, it seemed like days ago it had only been hours. He somehow thought it would have been more angry. It wasn't, and that killed him. Ian was still looking out the door, unwilling to turn back.

"What are you doing here?" Mickey finally was able to ask.

"I guessed it would be the one place no one would look for me. It don't matter now anyway." Ian almost silently replied.

"I should have fucking known it. When did you break into my fucking house?"

"Is that really what you want to talk about? Try and delay me a while, cause it aint gonna work. My minds made up." Ian tried to insist.

"Really? I'd have thought if you didn't want to be seen, if you honestly believed that you were certain, you'd have been more careful about getting caught." Mickey got up off the sofa somehow, he was so tired, if Gallagher had started to make a run for it, there would be no competition who'd win.

"We all make mistakes." Ian said plainly to Mickey. He slowly allowing himself to turn around, not leaving the door, and started looking him up and down. He had clearly been crying, or maybe he had just gotten something in his eyes.

"Why? Why do you have to say things like that? Did you think getting married was a mistake?" There was no reaction from Ian, but at least he was absolutely still. "I didn't have a choice, it was getting married or getting shot."

"We could have gone away, made a run for it. You didn't want to be stopped, as much as I don't want to be." Ian looked around the room, had it only been weeks since they had fucked on that sofa?

Just as Ian said that, the snow began to fall outside, Mickey walked over to Gallagher. They looked at each other more and more, noticing every detail as if it were the last time they would see each other. Ian noticed that Mickeys body was covered in dust, probably sitting in it somewhere, a small cut around his hand... That was new... The newly forming bruises... The tired and longing look from his eyes, the mud on his arm, the spike in his hair... This is what he didn't want any more. This is what he needed.

Mickey looked at Gallagher, wearing warm clothes, with his back pack over his shoulder. He noticed the circles around his eyes, he knew he was a bitch for crying and hoped that Gallagher hadn't noticed his own mark. He noticed the red hair in the moonlight as a few flakes of snow began to come inside. He noticed that he kept his hands to himself, like an abused dog flinches. It made his skin crawl that that's what his involuntary decisions had done. He looked up into his eyes, and stood silently, as he dried his mouth.

"What do I have to do?" Mickey said, as he inched ever closer, the cold making his skin freeze, but no less than the remaining drops of vodka in his system.

"Nothing." Ian allowed himself one glance away from Mickey before he had to see him again.

"What do you want me to do?" Mickey said, as he was almost close enough to reach out to him.

"Nothing." Ian couldn't help but notice Mickey now. Fear was in his eyes, he knew what he was doing. This fucking sexy monster, who already had his heart, and now wanted more.

"What can I do to help?" Mickey now could feel Gallaghers breathe. Could smell the fresh smell of deodorant.

"Stop it."

"Stop what?

"Just..."

"Just what?" Mickey now was reaching his hand to Gallaghers neck.

"Don't." Was all Ian could say, before he knew it Mickey had a hold of him.

"Don't what?" Mickey said, feeling better than ever since his wedding. He hadn't touched him since, he moved his mouth towards Gallaghers neck, slowly but confidently allowed himself to taste his skin. Dumping his back pack on the ground, Mickey pulling Gallagher in closer than he knew he should.

"You don't love me." Gallagher had said the one thing that Mickey had not expected, hadn't prepared himself for. "You don't love me, but don't be scared."

"What the fuck do you mean? I aint scared of anybody." Mickey suddenly shot backwards, he thought for just a moment, being close together might buy him some time. No, that was never going to be enough, not for Ian Gallagher.

"Who are you more afraid of? Me, your dad or yourself?" Why was Gallagher fucking with his head, he was wide awake now with the cold air and the adrenaline pumping through his veins.

"I told you, I aint scared of anyone."

"You're not gay, but somehow you were just licking my neck. For what?" Ian couldn't help but speak his mind now. He needed to finish the mission and head out. He still had to deal with Mandy and Lip yet. "Needed the salt? Are you a secret vampire? Did you need to clean my skin with your tongue?"

"Shut the fuck up." Mickey was getting really irritated now. He didn't want to hear this, not now, not since he was so close. He could slowly feel himself falling backwards into a black hole, one which he couldn't get out of.

"Queer-bo sex, but you're not a fag? You only take it up the ass, but you're not a bitch? Married to a woman, but you miss the cock!" Ian said. Before he knew it he was on the ground clutching his face. Mickey had finally seen red, he knew he loved Gallagher, but he couldn't bear to hear it spoken out loud. The only way to shut him up was to do the only thing he knew how...

"Ah... Fag!" Ian whimpered, but didn't want Mickey to stop beating him. With every new kick or punch came another name, another label. Yes this man who he loved would have to deal with it alone. Just before Ian blacked out, he took one last look up at the sky, the moon and the snow, and finally into the face of Mickey Milkovich...

Mickey had stopped, tears streaming down his face, blood everywhere. The noise had woken up his dad. This was not good, this was not good at all.


	7. Chapter 7

It was just after 6am, Mickey had allowed Svetlana a nights rest. She woke up to get a glass of water, to hear something coming from the front... Perhaps it was an open door banging in the wind. Then she heard people talking, one was definitely Mickey, she couldn't make out the other. All of a sudden she started to hear shouting, a smash against the wall, against the floor and cries of pain. She knew the Milkovichs were psychos, but she didn't expect it first thing in the morning.

All of a sudden it went silent, there were no more noises - even in Russia silence during a fight is not a good thing. She then thought about the situation, what if it was Mickey that had been knocked unconscious? What would Terry do if he walked in to find her in the house and his son nearly dead in the front? She knew she had to do something. As much as she didn't want to be a part of her current situation, she had to show loyalty - as Terry explained to her as part of her brief. With that she grabbed a baseball bat, which always hung from the wall by the doors in the Milkovichs house, and slowly made her way out to discover the scene for herself.

As she opened her bedroom door, she could feel the cold, so putting a bathrobe around herself as quickly as possible, she slowly looked around the corner, clear. She moved down the hall, quietly so as not to wake Terry - she really didn't want to have to fuck him again. Yes she knew it was wrong, but it was money, and loyalty... As she looked around the final corner, she could see the front door open, the moonlight lighting up the entire scene. She saw that Mickey was fine, covered in blood, scared shitless because of her presence from the dark hall.

Then she looked downwards, something was on the floor, someone was on the floor and there was blood everywhere. On the wall, on the carpet, on the table, the lamp, even the front door got some. Why would this be happening at 6 am Who the hell was this? Is this why Mickey told her to treat herself, so she would be too distracted to notice? Had she not woken up to get some water, would she even have seen it? More terrified, yet more confident she approached Mickey.

"Who is dis man? What have you do to him?" Svetlana said to Mickey, seeing a small amount of fear being relieved from his face.

"Just fucking help him!"

As Mickey's rage receded, and having seen that his wife had walked in on the entire incident, he looked back down and there saw what was left of Ian Gallagher. He had done it plenty of times, but people never usually asked for it to be done - this was the second time that Ian told him to kick the shit out of him... He may have done it this time. What the hell had he done? Was he still alive? Was he still breathing? Mickey wasn't as good at checking on people as killing them.

"Please Svet, help him." Mickey insisted.

"Who is dis man? Why, why you do dis? He owe money?" Svetlana asked, trying to keep Mickey calm whilst trying to work out if he was worth saving or tossing. "So much blood, why?"

"I don't need you to ask questions, I need you to help him." Mickey was walking around in circles, moving Ian over onto his back, was that even right? "He's a friend, just a friend."

Whilst looking at his face, she recognized him, she had seen him at the wedding... She had seen him here in this very room... "He fuck you! He fuck you! Did you do dis because he do bad thing to you!?"

"No, it just sorta happened... It was an accident, honestly." Mickey looked into her eyes, and for the first time they seem to have agreed that this was just between them. She knew he fucked men, she had been told to fuck the gay out of him after all. His eyes were honest, they trusted each other. "Is he alive?" Mickey finally said, as best as he could.

"Yes, yes, I think so. But so much blood... Maybe too much I think. He go to hospital now. Now!" Svetlana almost raised her voice, maybe if she helped Mickey, she could be forgiven for what she'd been doing with his Dad. She knew that Mickey didn't know about it, and didn't know how he would react - especially if this was how he treats friends. "No time, I think. We get him in car, stop the blood and drive there."

With that, Mickey somehow lifted Ian into the car. Svetlana grabbed bandages and a few towels to bandage up his face and neck, they got in the car. As Mickey was driving, Svetlana was trying to help the still unconscious Ian Gallagher. As they arrived, Mickey got out, ran and got a stretcher and help as Svetlana did her best... Though by the looks of Ian's face, what she had been doing was simply never going to be enough.

As Ian was brought into the hospital, the better of Svetlana got to her, she ran into the car and abandoned her husband. She could do no more, and besides she needed to go back before Terry saw the blood stained room. Though she wondered why he was so terrified of Terry finding the dead gay man, she knew that he obviously wasn't just a middle of the night friend. He actually cared about someone, and that's what got her through it.

.

6:30 came and went. Lip and Mandy watched and waited, watched and waited. There was no sight of him. They double checked with the officers, he didn't show up. Had he traveled across town and signed up elsewhere? Had he really been that deceptive, how the fuck could he do this to his family, to his friends? The other possibility was that he had seen them waiting there, and decided to hang low; or that he had been found...

.

7:30 came and went, Micky's phone began to ring. He had left Ian at the hospital, run for it. He couldn't cope with it, the idea that he did this to Gallagher cut open his heart. He found his way somehow to _their spot_ on top of the roof. He never knew why, but since no one else ever came here, he guessed that it was like their own fucked up paradise. His phone rang again, and his breath stopped when he saw that it was his sister. Many had texted him 14 times in the last hour, he owed her something. After he managed to start breathing again he called her back.

"Listen, just listen. He's not enlisting, he's currently in hospital. He got jumped on bad, real fuckin bad." Mickey said as steadily as he could, he knew there would be a million questions, but he couldn't deal with them.

"Who did it? Is he ok?"

"I don't know, I really don't know Mand..." With that Mickeys phone was switched off. If only he could cry, he badly wanted to, but he couldn't. He single handedly broke Gallagher, broke his heart and now the rest of his body... There was nothing left.

As he sat there, he realized what Gallagher had seen in joining the army... What he would give right now to head out, vanish...


	8. Chapter 8

It had been 3 days since Mickey had dumped Gallagher at the hospital and switched his phone off. He had made sure he disappeared before the questions were thrown at him. It had been snowing for 3 days, but somehow Mickey had managed to stay outside for most of it. He hadn't been home, he couldn't speak to anyone, he knew how Gallagher had felt after he'd gotten married. He once nearly made it to the hospital but got freaked out when he saw the ambulances arrive and someone fly into the emergency room.

What had actually happened to Gallagher? It's all that had been going around Mickey's drunk and swirling mind, he had gotten through 2 bottles of vodka, 2 of whiskey and a bottle of cheap wine. He still had blood on his hands, literally. He still hadn't cleaned it off, not because he wanted to see it, but because removing it meant getting seen or caught. He had to lie low. Mickey hadn't been this low since his Dad caught them, when he was told that he would never be allowed to see him again. This was a new low, what a fucking piece of shit he was.

Firstly, Ian had been a friend, then it became more - although Mickey acted cool about it, like it was just a hook-up, he actually looked forward to the company. Gallagher kept him in smokes in Juvie, and then he found someone else, he was looking elsewhere... All because he couldn't bring himself to think about him as more than a friend. Mistake. Gallagher had known how Mickey felt, though he never actually told him, yet he flaunted him and his pensioner in his face. Going for drinks, food, hotels, gifts, nights alone together with no worries, kisses, the smell of his hair, the look in his eyes...

Even what they'd been through the last few weeks, not seeing each other, not speaking, the arguments, the beat downs, the longing, the wanting, the resisting... Mickey, through it all expected Gallagher to be there. Mickey hadn't expected that he wouldn't be. He didn't want him anymore, he didn't call, he didn't look him in the eye. That was low, but this? Why did Gallagher have to twist the knife, why did he have to be so melodramatic and abandon him?

Then that night, the one he would never be able to scratch from his mind, he made himself believe that they could make it work - Gallagher did not want it. He wanted to run for it, why had he decided to hide in his home? Why did he refuse to talk? Why, oh fucking why did he have to say out loud those words? Mickey knew the answer to his fear. Yes Gallagher scared him a lot, his Dad even more so. But what he was most afraid of in the whole world was himself. No. Not quite, he was scared of being happy, allowing himself to be happy in this miserable and depressing city.

Was he alone now? He knew eventually he would need to know, he didn't do it. He didn't do it. He had become someone else, something else. Part of the Milkovich set of deformed genes. So who did he want to be? Could he not just choose to be straight? Before he knew it, Mickey found himself alone in his house. He ran a shower, and threw his laundry in to get rid of the dried blood. He had to find out, he would have to face facts and see his own work. Usually he'd have dumped the body and never seen it again, this time he would see the damage. With that Mickey switched on his phone for the first time in 3 days.

.

Ian Gallagher had been in hospital 3 days, still in a coma. He could hear every word, but his body wouldn't wake up. He tried crying when he first became conscious, when he heard his family and Mandy run in and find him there. This is what it would have been like for them if he'd gone, for that he couldn't blame Mickey. He was the one who pushed Mickey's buttons, he knew what would happen, he didn't know that he would nearly kill him though. He could hear Fi talking to him, blaming him for it all, asking who did it, demanding to know why he was going to run off to the army. He got the same treatment from Lip, Mandy.

Carl and Debbie had been crushed but not said much. They were never with him alone. Frank? Although he was in the hospital, he didn't imagine that he'd want to get in the way - meaning he had drinking to catch up on. He never got rest, doctors and nurses prodding him, tests, checks... Then his families all night vigils around his bed. He actually wanted to be alone, to allow him to start his pity party - but he would settle with his family telling him it instead.

He didn't know how long it had been, didn't need to know... Funny how hearing the mundane news of the day was somehow settling to him. Had he changed his mind about anything? No. Ian Gallagher was made of tough skin, like every Gallagher. When he made his mind up, it was done. Nothing had changed, he'd be here until... Then he'd wait a few weeks to recover and then enlist outside of Chicago. He knew he was a piece of shit for it, but that was what was written for him. That was his destiny, to leave home, and fight. His enemy? Himself.

.

_"Answer your fucking phone Mick" "What do you know?" "What the fuck is the blood at home about, Svetlana said she just found it like that, what have you done?"_

The messages kept coming, but the last killed him more than the others from his sister.

_"Come home Mick, whatever it is that you've done, We'll still love you. We just want to know that you're safe."_

"Mandy?" Mickey had phoned her, wanted to do the right thing, they'd all worked out what happened, or did she think it was dad? "Meet me at home. I'll wait."

"Are you ok Mickey? What happened?" Mandy was restless on the phone, this happened, and then suddenly her little brother disappeared, what was she supposed to think.

"I'll wait."

With that Mandy left the hospital, and silently whispered to Ian, loud enough for his ears to hear, but his family not to, "We've found him."

As Mickey lay on his bed, he noticed something odd, a bar in his pillow? Was was that about? With that he picked up the pillow to inspect it. He was stunned to find a bar he somehow recognized along with a note, well a letter. He doubted Svetlana would be able to write much in English, and Mandy? Unlikely, anything she would have to say to him, she could say to her Dad. He knew that this was supposed to be the last letter of one Ian Gallagher.

_Mickey,_

_By the time you find this I should probably already be training. Knowing you, you've been out all night drinking. Drinking because you don't know how to deal with things when they don't go your way. Staying out, well despite the fact you'll deny it, but stayed away because you wouldn't want to be near your wonderful wife this evening. You made all these plans, not letting me in on any of them. At no stage did you stop to consider whether your plans had any flaws - they did._

_You're plans were, and still are to be married, raise a family and still get fucked by men you'll beat up afterwards for doing it. I know this because this is the only future you know. I won't be here for you to talk about it with, when you need someone, just talk to Mandy - I won't see your sons face, the pride you'll have at finally doing something your psycho Dad would be proud of._

_With me gone, you can live there rest of your life. You told me that it was my fault this mess happened, that I was just a warm mouth. Good news is that you'll be fixed with me gone, and you've got Svetlana. I'm gay, I love you and always will. I know you don't have feelings for me, otherwise you'd have tried to stop me. When you look up at night and see the moon, remember that I'm looking there too._

_Ian_

Flaws? That he did have feelings for him, the flaw, showing or even telling him.


	9. Chapter 9

The first 7 minutes after Mandy arrived back home, she spent crying, crying until there was nothing left. Mickey had assumed she'd go right to the questions, which is why he was so shocked. It had been the first time since they were both little that they had actually been this close to each other. Mickeys arms wrapped tightly around his little sisters back. He was glad she cried, it meant that he didn't have to, he'd stay in control of his emotions. He had to.

"What happened?" Finally it began, he would finally share the details of that night with someone. He wasn't alone.

"It was me." Mickey said, expecting to have his head torn off, every limb slowly pushed through the mincer.

"I know." Mandy said, her eyes looking straight into her little brothers. She knew that it was him, otherwise Ian would be dead - body dumped somewhere, left to drain itself into the white snow. The fear and shame in Mickeys eyes showed that he was truly sorry for it. "I know, because you also saved him."

"What?" Mickey said wide eyed, was it possible he was still alive, did he tell her what had happened?

"He's alive, thanks to you and Svetlana. She gave me some bullshit about finding the blood when she woke up, but it was all over her dressing gown." After another breath, she continued. Mickey wasn't the only one with details to share. "He's alive, but he's not spoken. He's alive and not spoken because he's not woken up. He's not woken up because he's in a coma. Its best that he's in it at the moment."

Mickey couldn't look at his sister, just at the place on the wall where it happened, tears finally flowing, he couldn't hear anymore. There, just there, he noticed the broken table, Gallaghers back pack and the 4 dents in the wall...

"... Both arms broken, one leg, shoulder and 5 ribs. Signs of internal bleeding, which they've stopped." She knew she shouldn't keep going, but he had to face it. "And a head fracture."

Mandy looked into Mickeys eyes, and there it was. It was her that had to comfort him, as they both slumped down into sofa. After 15 minutes of silence, of cars driving past, of the sound of the world being alive, Mandy had to finish what she started.

"What happened Mick? I won't tell anyone else, I promise, but I need to know." Mandy said, Mickey looking back at that spot by the door.

What was said, was done. It had taken a while, because with every new detail came another wave of shame. Mickey got through it, with the silent ear of his sister. He didn't want to tell anyone else, not even Svetlana, though she had unconditionally helped him. She didn't need to know how many times he hit the wall, how many kicks, how many punches. None of them deserved, and all because of the names Gallagher had called him; the same names he'd called someone else with much less brutality.

"What's going to happen Mand?" Mickey plainly asked.

"Nothing, he'll stay like that until he wakes." How she wished listening wasn't so tiring.

"You said, head fracture. What does that mean?" This was the one question he had wanted to ask through all his answering.

"It means, well, it means we wait."

"What does that mean, will he be ok?" Mickey finally looked up.

"He could be fine, recover, get back to normal..." Mandy began, "He could wake up and have some memory loss, or not wake up at all." Mandy got up and walked into the kitchen to get a drink, as she did, she heard the front door close behind Mickey. He needed time, and so did she.

.

Ian's mind had woken up, his body still. He had no idea what day or time it was. He couldn't tell if it was light or dark, the one thing he knew was that he wasn't alone. He could feel someone holding it, he could feel it being stroked, the tears falling slowly on it. He could hear the voices, but couldn't reply. In many ways it reminded him of what his life had become. He couldn't stop anything, he could feel but not be felt, he heard what was being said without his response being heard.

"How's he been?"

"Stable." He heard being said blankly.

"Any changes today?"

"Nothing, did they all get some rest?"

"Some, not a lot. We got through to Mum though."

There was more silence, endless silence until the door opened again. His body was now aching, like sunshine on a cold day. He hadn't felt it before, he didn't know if it was because he couldn't feel, or because of the painkillers.

"What did she say? When you told her?"

"She just asked why. Why it had gotten to this. There's nothing we can really say to respond though."

"Is she coming?" A third voice said, Ian was having difficulty differentiating them, they all blurred into one monotonous drone.

"Yeah, she'll be here tonight, so you can get some rest Fi."

"I don't need rest. I need answers."

"You need to rest, so you can understand the answers WHEN he wakes up." Lip plainly said back, he had to be strong. He knew that Ian wouldn't want her knowing all the details, perhaps one day he would be able to tell her. Now wasn't the time.

"If..."

"When. You heard them, he's stable. It's just like waiting for the train, you never know when, but it'll happen." Lip said, as he heard Fi get up and his hand was empty. That small amount of warmth was gone. He hadn't felt it in a long time.

Fi had Jimmy, Lip had Mandy, Karen... Carl and Debbie had the family, Liam too young to know what was happening. He was forgotten, the middle child. Too old to be cared for, not young enough for people to ask how he was. Even if they'd asked he'd have given the usual lie. They'd never realised just how bad it had gotten, he'd not spoken to them about it. Lip - he knew that he was gutted about Mickey, but even he didn't know about Terry catching them, about his plans to run off, about his plans to disappear.

"Someone's come to see you Ian, you fucking cunt. Why did you have to get so involved with a piece of crap like Mickey Milkovich? This is what you get for it, it may not be life in Iraq or the Juvie though. I'll be outside, if you need anything." Lip let out a small laugh before it was broken with dead silence - pain.

"Hey." That's all that was said for the next 5 minutes. His hand was placed in another much colder hand, obviously just come in from outside. Then his lips met another, and he could feel again - and God, did it hurt.


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks for sticking with this my first fanfic, I hope you all enjoy the 10th Chapter, and the surpassing of the 10,000th word! Please leave a review, feedback, suggestions and surprises! Thanks, R.**

"What do you want from me?" Is all Ian could scream in his head.

Mickey fucking Milkovich had come back to what? Finish the job, give him another line of hope? It had only taken what seemed a month for him to finally visit, Ian was surprised that he even came at all. He knew the score: Ian would tell the world, or leave. That was the unspoken understanding from that night, it would have been easy enough for Mickey to let Ian head off without another word. No one would ever have known.

All Ian could hear were sobs, what a wimp He took his hand again, but with that came the unspoken conversations. He wasn't sure Mickey had ever held his hand before. Before he knew it, his hand had gone, it was on his chest now; he seemed to be seeing his work. What a mess Ian must have looked, well from the reaction of people walking in to visit him. He knew it would be difficult for Mickey to see, but he had at least seen it.

"What do you want from me?"

Ian felt Mickey's warm hand move over his broken body. He didn't want to feel it, he didn't want it; was he somehow more in denial than Mickey! He could see something, there was light, well something bright. His eyes were still closed and paralyzed but they could see something bright. It startled him, he had been in darkness the last week. Then his hand found his hand again, this time somehow more sure, more certain. There it was, his voice. Would he ever be able to explain what Ian wanted to ask? What Ian couldn't ask?

"Let's start from the beginning. The letter..."

.

"... _I'm gay, I love you and always will. I know you don't have feelings for me, otherwise you'd have tried to stop me. When you look up at night and see the moon, remember that I'm looking there too."_

"What do you want from me?"

"Yes, I did drink. Yes, I did try to find you. I tried to find you to explain or make you understand. Who knows if you can even hear any of this shit, but it won't not help. Mistakes? Flaws? Yes, you are my biggest one. I wish every day that I had never met you." There was a long pause, Ian wanted to know more, what did that even mean! "I wish that I had never met you because I have never deserved you. You have always done better when I've been away. Why did I even try to stop you?"

Never deserved him, that wasn't Mickey's choice. It didn't matter who the love of your life is. Love isn't something you choose or deserve, it's a need in spite of it all.

"Svetlana, she helped bring you in, she helped save your life. Without her, you wouldn't be here. That doesn't mean you aren't or have no right to be angry with my wife... but you can't be mad at her - it's me, it's always been me." Mickey gently kissed Ians hand, not noticing Ians tear slowly forming and falling. "I've never had plans, that implies I made them - that's been really fucking unfair. You keep saying it's my fault. Well one of many secrets you may not know is that if I hadn't of married Svetlana, I'd be dead, you would be dead and your family."

Ian felt something grab at his chest, it was clenched like a fist. Pulled out, forced down his throat. Had Ian really never stopped to think? He really was just a little kid. Why would Terry threaten them? Ian knew exactly why. Not only would he be killed, but he'd be forced to watch every member of his family die first; that pain leaves a real mark, no a real scar. That sort of pain would be passed through his soul, knowing that it was all his fault... It was all his fault. Then Mickey would be forced to kill Ian, before being killed himself. Terry Milkovich was a sick twisted cunt, why hadn't he been killed yet? Enough people had motives!

"I did it, for you. It was all for you. How do you think that I'd be able to live with you gone? Did you think that I could go on? Did you really think I was that strong?"

Tears were now freely flowing from Ian's eyes, how had Mickey not seen it yet. His eyes stung... For so long he had wanted to shed a tear, now that it happened, it was like battery acid. Like the bile from his stomach rising and falling...

"Sorry. I deserve whatever your family want to do when they find out the truth. I will do whatever you want me to, to put it right. I don't know who I was, why didn't you try to stop me?" Mickey kissed Ian's hand again. As he closed his eyes to hold back the tears, he nearly crapped himself as Ian's hand tightened around his.

"What do you want from me?" Ian's head was still screaming, he could start to feel, whether that was what he wanted, he didn't know. But at least if he could he'd have time to find out what he wanted.

"Gallagher? Can you hear me?" Mickey was both expectantly excited, he may not have lost him, yet still scared, because the answers that he got may not be what he had always wanted. "Come on firecrotch, do it again." He seemed to be testing what Ian could do. Whatever it takes.

With that he had to call out, get Lip in, get the doctor in. They did some tests, some actions were coming back, but that was just the start. Waking up, wasn't a cure, he may never wake up. Lip was wondering why it had to happen when he let Mickey see him.

.

"What exactly did you do Mickey?" Lip plainly asked.

"Nothing dickwad. I was just talking, and holding his hand. I guessed that's what you do... It's what always in those fucking chick flicks!" Mickey began to explain. "I was just holding his hand and then he started to grab it, he's still crying for fuck sake..."

That made Ian feel embarrassingly low, but at least his family would have hope now. They could get rest without the unknown worries they'd been having the last week. Lip and Mickey talked for a while after the doctors left. Lip asked questions about what had happened, Mickey had rattled off some bullshit story about finding him, and then some queer bashers catching them... Ian could tell that Lip knew that it was bullshit. However, since Mickey seemed the most likely to be able to help Ian, Lip would be willing to allow Mickey to tell him it was rainbow coated leprechauns that'd done it. Lip left the room and left Ian and Mickey alone, as he made calls to the family.

.

Before too long, the whole family had been and gone. Carl was the most shocked to find out that Ian was a fag, but soon accepted it when everyone pointed out that he was his brother. Of course, no one knew that Mickey was a queer, especially since it appeared he'd been the one to fight them off. Lip insisted that he, Mandy and Mickey took the evening shifts, so that the others could get back to work. Monica still hadn't showed up, unsurprising. She never would do anything if it was difficult.

The last few weeks had brought Lip and Mandy much closer, Karen was recovering, but at least Lip had learnt not to mention her. Looking at Ian, he had quickly learnt not to mistake love of a Milkovich with immunity of insufferable pain. It was late on a Friday night when Lip had been called back home with Fi at work, and Carl having nearly blown the house up with Jimmy being no use. Mandy insisted on accompanying him, but he saw that it was just a good excuse to give Mickey time alone with Ian.

It was halfway through _Saving Private Ryan_ when Mickey remembered the last time they had a movie night. That was before every emotion had been blown out of proportion. Mickey pistol whipped, Ian not allowed near him. Mickey getting married to Svetlana, Ian trying to stop him. Mickey trying not to let himself get to close to Gallagher, Ian trying to stop him by running off...

That night, Mickey had placed the popcorn on his crotch, so that Ian could brush it every now and then. They laughed and smiled. They allowed themselves to be happy, it didn't matter who was around that night. They popped in _Double Impact_, got halfway through before Mickey had had enough waiting to get his candy! Man was it sweet. Being fucked by Gallagher, no guilt. If he ever needed a point to say that he loved Gallagher, it was probably that night. Honesty and Trust.

With that, he looked at Gallagher, had he realized what was on Mickey's mind? He got up off his chair, and began to kiss him. His forehead, bandaged up, moving over his lips, his neck. He could feel his breathe - and then it happened. Ian was back again.

"I love you." It was barely audible, but Mickey knew what he had heard.

"What?" Mickey said, he stopped and looked at Ian in the face. His eyes slowly opening, glad that Mickey had the lights off, with only the lights of the TV on. Mickey could see Ian breathing again, inhaling and exhaling. He was still on the painkillers, but they had been reduced over the last few weeks.

"I still love you." Ian said again, he had no energy, he could barely move his body, so didn't try to. Allowing his mind to finally control something was like a resurrection.

"Shall I go get someone?" Mickey was now panicking, he knew that Gallagher wanted him to say it back.

"No, stay with me. Get me some water." His whole face was so tired. He felt like he was being lifted up, like a bird taking flight. The last few months, could they be turned back?

"What do you want?" Mickey said, knowing this would be it, he'd have to either be honest or trust that Gallagher could wait for him.

"You know what I've always wanted." Ian said, the painkillers were pulling him back to sleep. "I just want something. I don't need love, I don't need promises..."

"What do you want?" Mickey said, he could barely breath now, this was the effect of his hidden emotions, he began to cry.

"I want, I want..." Ian began, "I just want to not be alone again." With that he fell asleep.

"I just want to be with you." Mickey replied after Gallagher had fallen asleep. His head didn't move, he didn't even have the water. But his eyes had lit up, his mouth had moved, he had finally seen those eyes again. That look you get when you both trust each other, that wasn't the hard part, the hard part was yet to come.


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks for still following! I've been correcting things in the previous chapters, I'll try to be more careful in future. Hope you enjoy...**

"I just want to be with you." That was the last thing Ian's brain processed before it went to sleep. He was sure Mickey waited til he thought he was asleep before saying it, but those few seconds were all that Ian could think about the next time he woke up.

Mickey had apparently stayed all night alone, the firework incident had meant that Lip had to stay at home and rearrange the whole house. Ian could be thankful that none of them were joining him here in hospital. It was apparently 8am before anyone else came in, and found Mickey asleep with his head resting on Ian's bed; though he was sure the doctors had probably been in silently doing their work.

Fiona Gallagher had arrived having been unable to cope with the state of the house, they'd need a new TV and probably sofa... Money. Somehow that kept her mind off the state that her brother was still in. She told Mickey to go home, thanked him for taking the night shift alone. He didn't say anything as he silently walked back home to his wife.

As he heard Fiona thank Mickey, walk across and close the door Ian woke up. She was stunned, no one had told her. Who knew? Did Mickey just not want to say anything? No, he was clearly still asleep! Was she the first? She could do nothing but smile and cry and the same time. She was happy, but the strain, stress and pain of the last few weeks had been evident.

"Welcome home." Fiona said, walking back over to her brother, uncertain of whether he'd know who she was, uncertain whether he'd speak.

"I'm sorry." Ian said, "I should have spoken to someone, anyone. I didn't." Ian wanted to give her answers before the intimate questions came.

"Let's just work on getting you better kiddo." Fiona knew it would take a while, he may not even remember what had actually happened.

She knew that Mickey did, but that would have to wait. She was going to get her little brother back. Always too weak to fight Lip, always too big to get away with trying to fight with Debbie. He was always the quiet one, never asked, just listened. Maybe that was why he was so suited to a job in the Army.

"I'm not going to ask you anything, neither will anyone else. I'll make sure of that, but if you ever do want to talk - don't throw your phone away!" She allowed herself to laugh, and walked over to hug her little brother. He didn't seem to be able to reciprocate the action and as she saw him wincing in pain, she simply sat down.

"I was off to join the army." Ian paused to see what reaction she would give, nothing. "I was off to join the army because I needed to get away. I needed to get away because I didn't feel like myself anymore - because I couldn't love myself anymore."

They looked at each other's eyes, Ian's drifted away first, drifted down to his hands which he seemed to be able to gently and slowly move. He didn't want to tell her this, because he was sure that she would blame herself for it. It had nothing to do with her, it was all about him.

"It wasn't your fault, it wasn't Lip, Mandy, Debbie... It was all me. I couldn't talk because I couldn't listen. Even if you'd promised me the world, I would still have tried to go."

Finally Fiona spoke up, "Would you have gone without saying goodbye?"

"Yes, I was packed and ready to leave." Ian felt more guilty word by word; he knew Fi wouldn't ask, that didn't mean her body wasn't asking. "I'd been seeing someone for a while." He subconsciously looked towards the door, without realising that Fiona noticed.

"I know that you've been seeing that Milkovich kid. He brought you in, he's been here every night, he fell asleep with your hand in his." Fiona explained, how long had she known, did Mickey know this?

"I'm sorry that I never told you, but it's been complicated."

"Try me." There was a long silence, clearly Ian had to work out what he could or couldn't say.

"It's been going on for over a year. We love each other, we got caught by Terry fucking Milkovich who forced Mickey to get married to the woman who raped him. He got married, he didn't want me. I didn't want me." Ian was being strong, although he was speaking quietly.

As he was explaining every detail that he could tell, he was slowly trying to move every muscle in his body. He knew he could move his hands, his face, but he was in too much pain to move his legs. He could move his fingers, his toes, he was going to be ok. Before he knew it, the nurse had come in - tests, explanations, pillows. He could at last sit up, he could drink, he could eat. He couldn't get out of bed without screaming the hospital down, his ribs hurt, he looked like a zombie.

Fiona had made some happy calls, he would make a full recovery, he was going to be fine. The one thing she made sure to mention was that no one was to ask him any questions. She knew what an effort he had made to tell her half of what he did and more. Not all of it was true, she knew that, he knew that... But she knew there were always going to be little details that never needed to be known, as well as ones, which she was sure she would work on.

.

A week later Ian was taken home. Rest, that was the worst part, because for that week he didn't have Mickey looking out for him. Mickey couldn't bring himself to enter his house, perhaps because he thought that them being seen together would lead to correct rumours. He didn't get to hear the details of work, what Terry had made of the whole thing. Of course he noticed his former gay son had been away during the nights, but he made sure he was still screwing his wife. Svetlana had to keep details.

He didn't get to chit-chat about films, music, deals going on... They couldn't touch each other, Post traumatic Stress Disorder. Ian wanted to talk about what had happened, but the silent promise that Mickey had made had gotten him here. He had been replaying that night over and over. What a prick Ian had been, he'd known that Mickey wanted him, he needed him to say it, and when he couldn't he took the childish way around it. Pushing Mickeys buttons.


	12. Chapter 12

It was the middle of the night. How had he not woken up Svetlana? He was gasping for air, he nearly drowned. He looked at the clock, 3 am. His heart was pounding, his breathing racing. He had never been so awake. A nightmare.

He could remember all the details. He finally told Gallagher how he felt, told him he loved him, Svetlana had agreed to get a divorce in exchange for $20,000. She could clear her debts and head back to Russia. She was never pregnant. And as he told Gallagher that he wanted him to stay because he wanted to be with him, he was pulled backwards. His Dad had been stood behind him. He was slammed against the wall, the wall where he had thrown Gallagher.

From there, his Dad was laughing, laughing with Gallagher. Both of them together. Was Gallagher just a test, was it a set up by his Dad? Out of nowhere, he was stood in a graveyard, a grave already dug. 6 foot deep? No, he couldn't see the bottom of it. He asked for help from Gallagher. He needed him to help him away from his Dad. Gallagher walked towards him, kissed him and then pushed him. He was falling backwards. Backwards into an unending pit.

As he was falling, he thought that Gallaghers hand had caught him just in time. It had. He was suspended there for what seemed like an hour. Then his slippy hands let him down. He could hear a shotgun going off, Gallagher had fallen with him. No. He was floating downward, a cheeky smile. Mickey wasn't falling, he was being pulled down. The shot hit his hand, he couldn't attempt to hold on to the tree roots. He was in pain, and no matter how much he screamed for it to be over, it wasn't. Gallagher was still behind him, still smiling.

He wasn't in a grave anymore, it was a deep lake. He wasn't being drowned though. No, that would have ended it all. He was being kept alive, just enough breath each time he tried to reach for the surface, before he went back under. All he could hear were the taunts, not from his Dad, but from behind him, from Gallagher. As he turned to look at him, he was stood over his body. Gallaghers body. In a pool of blood, it became so real that as a door banged outside he woke up.

Terry walked into his house as Mickey awoke, he walked past his room. The door was ajar, and Mickey looked his Dad in the eye, still barely able to breathe. Terry walked on, and as he hit his bed, began snoring unrelentingly. What the fuck was he going to do?


	13. Chapter 13

Ian was sat in the doctors, months, months it was going to take. He was on crutches to help him walk, but he couldn't do it for long with his arm. Mandy Milkovich had led Mickey to believe that it was more serious than she should. Yes, it was bad, but she didn't even know what the doctors had told Fiona. He had a one broken leg, a broken arm which was almost healed, 5 rib fractures which were almost healed too, and a skull fracture. Yes it could have been worse, but Ian was just thankful that he was able to start to become independent again.

Physiotherapy on his leg was annoying to say the least. He knew what to do, he didn't need to be spoken to like a child. He had been to work to get him out of the house for a while, but with his head injury he couldn't be relied on. Mickey was still working there, so they at least got to hang out, but it wasn't the same. A new guy was in charge of the sort, a cousin of Cash. He could still sit at the till, he could still order Mickey around, but always under supervision.

"What you up to tonight?" Mickey casually asked Gallagher. They hadn't been alone, not properly since he had been in hospital. That somehow seemed just as painful as the look on Mickey's face everytime he saw Ian limping in pain.

"Nothing, probably just some rest." Ian said casually, he didn't want to allow himself to get too close to quickly. Not because he didn't trust Mickey's best intensions, but because he couldn't yet rely upon himself. He knew Fiona would go nuts. "What were you thinking?"

"Svetlana is working tonight, want to come over and watch a movie?" There was a look between them, of what happened the last time. "Lip and Mandy. Lip and Mandy will be there too."

"Maybe. But I'm not sure I want to see those 2 kissing all night." Ian added looking at Mickey's lips himself.

"It'll be good for you." Mickey allowed himself to smile, he knew that he was going to get his way. He knew that at last he could be with Ian, he could allow himself to be near him.

"Hey, I didn't say yes. I said maybe." Ian said laughing, he wasn't going to be that hard to convince though. "I'll get the popcorn."

"Done." Mickey said as yet another alcoholic came into the store to exchange food stamps for liquid food.

"By the way, I got you something." Mickey said as he walked over to the store room. Ian was confused, he hadn't ever gotten him anything before... Well nothing with a price on it.

"What is it?" Ian called out, as the alcoholic left with his usual vodka bottle. Where had this happy playful version of the psycho of Southside come from? Where ever it came from, it made him happy. It was like the first time they started to see each other.

"Here. Open it." Mickey Milkovich was beaming. He was still being when Amir walked past suspiciously, until he noticed it had a receipt... And didn't come from his store.

As Ian opened the white and blue bag, he noticed a little box. It was a new phone. He'd never had a brand new one before, well one that had actually been paid for. He noticed that it had already been open. Maybe not new, but had Mickey actually gone out of his way to pay for it? He'd have been happy with a snickers bar right now, if it had come from him.

"It's a phone. You smashed yours, and it'd be cool if we could actually talk..." Mickey tried to explain, but slightly resented that he had mentioned talking. "Well you can text me later, if you want to join us."

"Wait, I don't have your number." Ian said as Mickey walked out the back to help Amir lift in some crates of beer.

"Yes you do."

As he picked up the box and opened it, he noticed that everything had been set up. It was charged, it was still switched on. He had never known someone being so thoughtful to him before. Sure Fiona had always made an effort at Christmas when he was little. Sure Cash had bought him trainers, and Lloyd had bought him army equipment, but they had money to spend. This was money that Mickey should be saving for his kid, but instead had willingly spent on him. Would he text him later? They both knew the answer to that. Maybe.


	14. Chapter 14

Mickey had just gotten home. Why had he waited so long to get Gallagher a phone? He was still buzzing off the look on his face. He hadn't bought it, he stole it from someone coming out of some shop, still with the receipt in the bag! That didn't matter, what mattered was that he could now talk with Gallagher when he would answer. He was still waiting on his response about coming around tonight. Although Mickey had asked Gallagher to come around and join Lip and Mandy, he didn't think that either would want to stay too long.

Both Lip and Mandy knew that Mickey and Ian had a lot of issues to discuss. They'd hang around and make their excuses halfway through the film. Although Lip in particular was very wary of going along with Mickey's plan, he knew that he couldn't keep Ian locked up much longer. He'd eventually need to discover why he'd wanted to run off, and deal with it like a man.

Still nothing, Mickey had his phone in his hand, already put drinks and snacks out on the table. He wasn't sure they'd actually get around to having any of them, but he seemed happy in the knowledge that he'd made an effort. Terry had been walking through, looking at the scene, looking at his son. He soon moved past it when Mandy came in and told him it was for her and Lip.

Still with a smile on his face, and a bounce in his step he headed to the shower to get ready. He'd never made this sort of effort before, well with the exception of his wedding. He knew it, he could feel that everything was in hand, everything would go to plan. He was going to tell Gallagher how he felt. Sorry. He was going to tell Gallagher... Ian how he felt. It was such an effort to remember his name, he was so used to just Gallagher.

.

Ian had gotten home, taken his painkillers, had a shower and sat down to watch some TV with Debbie and Carl. This, this was one of the many things that he took for granted over the years. He didn't need to speak with them, just being with them showed that they cared. Ian knew that wasn't strictly correct, after the experience of the last few weeks he'd learnt that talking was a very important part of expressing himself.

Carl had been playing with his new phone for an hour, before Ian realised the time. He was supposed to let Mickey know his decision, he was supposed to be there in an hour. It took him long enough to get around in the cold weather outside with his crutches.

"Carl, sorry dude. Phone." Ian said to his brother, who was still a bit wary of him.

"5 more minutes." Carl said, still playing one of the games on the phone. Ian still hadn't actually looked through it himself yet.

"Need to call Lip." Ian said as Carl threw his phone at him, he had to stretch to get it. As he was looking through his phone, he suddenly realised that he didn't have any number other than Mickey's. He wasn't going to be able to check that Lip and Mandy were certain to be there, he only had Mickey's word.

.

As Mickey was getting out of the shower he could hear something coming from his room. Shit, it was his phone. He hoped beyond all hope that his Dad didn't suddenly find him something to be doing to ruin his evening's entertainment. Mickey got most of his work done dealing and debt collection. Best time to collect, when they were still asleep... Best time to deal, when they wish they didn't have to sleep... Simple. As he picked up his phone he saw it was Gallagher. He allowed himself a small smile before he worried he would be getting blown off.

"Hey Gallagher. So what's this maybe business?" Mickey said as cool as he could.

"Is Lip there?" Was Gallagher checking up on his story? Or just making him wait for it.

"No, he's with Mandy someplace. They should be here soon."

"Can you call me when he gets there?" Ian was starting to be a little worried that Mickey would think he was being rejected.

"Honestly, they're on their way. Are you coming?" Mickey's smile had disappeared. "Do you not have his number at home? Is everything alright?"

"Don't have it, wanted to ask him something. Nothing bad here, just needed to ask him a favour." Ian wasn't giving anything away, he'd have to work for it.

"Whatever I have to do to get you to come here tonight, I will." Mickey said, hoping to retake the upper hand.

"Well, I can't exactly walk to yours."

"And that's why you can't come?" Mickey was really being slow.

"No, well sort of. I was hoping for a lift." Ian said as his hand subconsciously rubbed the back of his neck. After a moments silence, Mickey laughed.

"Well at least that isn't a no. I'll be over in 15. Be ready outside." With that Mickey threw on some clothes and headed past Lip and Mandy who had finally arrived.

.

Ian was stood outside... 15 minutes, 16, 17... Where was he? He was only counting so intently because it was freezing outside. Before he knew it Mickey had showed up. He'd gotten in slowly, "Don't let all the heat out", was all that Mickey said. They'd driven to the Milkovich house. It seemed as quiet as it always did from the outside, so different to the Gallaghers where you could tell from outside what the mood of the party was.

There it was, he could see Mandy looking out by the edge of the curtain. It somehow didn't help Ian relax, it was Lip he wanted to see. It was Lip that would get him home if he didn't want to stay. It was Lip that would know how to put Mickey in his place if he wasn't completely comfortable here.

He hadn't been here since, since...

"You ok?" Mickey said switching off the car, he looked at Gallagher he seemed tense. "Lip is in there, come on."

Mickey got out of the car, he certainly wasn't the bitch. He captain chivalry. He opened Gallagher's door, closed it, opened the front door and got him to sit down in the middle of the Sofa. Though rethinking it, this was probably the worst place for him to be sitting. He'd have to rely on someone to get him up and down.

"You want a drink dude?" Lip called from the Kitchen.

It took a few moments silence for his to realise that his brother hadn't heard him. He came in, saw the back of his head and walked around the front to ask him. As he did, he noticed that he wasn't looking at the TV. He was looking at the wall. The dents in the wall and his back pack still ready for a swift exit. It was as if no one else was in the room. Mickey suddenly realised what was happening, this was certainly not how he thought it was all going to go.

"Ian." Lip called again. As he said it, Ian turned his head in slow motion towards him.

"Yeah" was all that he could say, he hadn't heard anything that he'd been told.

"You want a drink dude?"

"I'll get it" Mickey said as he walked into the kitchen. This, he hadn't expected this. Gallagher had seemed normal again, maybe he was kidding himself.

"Ian, are you ok?" The worry in Lips voice brought Ian back to his senses.

"I'm fine, it's just the painkillers." Ian said to convince himself as he looked at the wall from the corner of his eye.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine...


	15. Chapter 15

No one had dared to mention anything. No one wanted to upset the balance. Instead Mandy had put on _Mad Max_, hoping that forgetting that moment would help. Ian was sat on the sofa with Lip and Mandy, although Mickey had wanted to be sat next to him. He didn't mind after seeing Gallaghers mind trying to put pieces together. This was no longer a fairy tale or a game. It was fucked up.

"Do you fancy a drink?" Mandy said to Ian and Lip as she got up to go to the bathroom.

"Yeah, what you got?" Ian said immediately, he knew what they had.

"Whatever you want, we got it." Mickey chipped in, hoping to be noticed, he had felt slightly left out.

"Vodka and coke." Ian replied whilst watching the film, not realising that every set of eyes were focused upon him. Was it really that much of a crime to ask for what he wanted?

After an exchange of looks Lip gave the nod, he could have one... No more. He wasn't even sure he should have any alcohol. Although he allowed himself a smile of the thought of his brother in the ice, drunk and on crutches. Mickey walked in to help his sister.

"You sure about that?" Mickey said, suddenly appearing to be the grown up for the first time in his life. He'd never previously missed an opportunity to get Gallagher drunk before now. This was different.

"Yeah, it's fine. Lip said he can have one or two. Who knows, maybe it'll help him relax." Mandy replied, pouring a small amount of vodka into Ian's glass and grabbing a few beers out of the fridge.

After another moment, Mickey allowed himself to openly speak his mind. "Mand, what's up with him?"

"What do you mean?" Mandy wasn't looking at her brother as she put some ice into the vodka.

"Well, he said he was fine, but he keeps looking at the wall. It like he doesn't remember what actually happened." Mandy finally looked at her brother.

"Maybe he doesn't really remember everything, or maybe he was telling us the truth. Maybe the painkillers..." Mandy continued to say.

"... No Mand. He doesn't seem to remember it at all. Are you sure he's not going to freak out if he gets pissed? Should we explain to him what happened? I mean, what has he actually been telling Fiona?" Mickey said as Mandy walked back in with the drinks.

Mickey was still stood in the kitchen a moment longer than he should have been. He grabbed his beer and took a shot of vodka for good measure. Maybe Gallagher had it right, maybe he wasn't supposed to remember his most guilty secret. His most innocent pain, his most destructive act of love.

.

The film had finished, no one felt like talking much. Mandy and Lip had gone to get more drinks, they felt like they should leave Ian and Mickey for a few minutes. They hadn't actually spoke since they came in, and after all the whole point of Ian coming around was that they could talk. There was no way Lip was going to leave Ian too far away, but he couldn't resist a few moments away from the absent minded brother.

Mickey slipped over and sat beside Ian, who looked around and smiled. It somehow settled him, why were they worried? Where they really worried about looking after a child here?

"What did you make of the movie?" Mickey said, little steps.

"Good, I hadn't seen it before. Is there a sequel?" Ian said, still smiling. Yes he could tell Mickey had been worried. He wasn't stupid, he could tell they were all talking about him behind his back. It made him feel 4 foot tall! "You don't need to worry, I'm not drunk."

"Why would I ever worry about you being drunk Gallagher?" Mickey said, allowing himself to feel relaxed again.

"Well you'd have to deal with cleaning up after me!"

"Wouldn't be the first time... So how are you feeling?" Mickey allowed his hand to land on Ian's thigh. It wasn't unnoticed by Ian.

"I'm fine, like I said. Sometimes when you say I'm fine, people seem to think that you're speaking Greek." Ian was looking at Mickey's face, telling him that he wasn't being subtle. "You know... I say I'm fine. And then you look at me, waiting for a different answer... And then I say it again, and you lot seem to think that I must be hiding or lying so you wait again..."

"Ok, ok. We get it. You're fine." Lip said, they'd been listening in from the kitchen.

"So am I allowed to actually get some vodka then?" Mickey said looking suspiciously at Mandy.

"What's that look about. You've been having vodka... Not much but you've been having it." Mandy was smiling. This was Ian Gallagher. She knew that he wasn't pretending to be ok, he just wanted to have some fun.

"Pull the other one... Is that the bottle with water in it?" Ian said laughing as Mandy put the bottle down and poured him a real drink.

"So, is there a sequel?" Gallagher said as everyone breathed a shy of relief.

Oh yes, it was party time. All they needed was a party boy.


	16. Chapter 16

Whoever thought that drinking could be done as a social act was wrong. Anytime you have a drink, it never takes much effort to convince you of the next... Until eventually you become 90% alcohol and remove it from your system. The one thing that Gallaghers and Milkovichs have in common, no everyone in the Southside have in common... Party.

The best parties are ones which you either don't remember the next day, didn't pay for a drink all night or waking up in a strip joint in Milwaukee... Strange how far you can go on the average wage in the Southside. This was not one of those evenings. Having decided that no one really wanted to watch another movie Mickey had decided that they should play some games... Never in his imagination would he ever have been seen in a drunken state in this house.

"So what are the rules again?" Mandy asked, already having had a few beers. From what she could see, she had a higher tolerance than Lip did. This was going to be fun.

"Well, you choose either a truth or a dare. If you choose truth you have to take a shot, if you choose dare and don't do it you have to do 3 shots." Ian explained. He was miles behind everyone else. After the last few months, he sure needed to blow off some steam.

"So how is this fun for me?" Lip asked, he already knew everything about Mandy and Ian. For some unknown reason he wasn't that interested in finding out more about Mickey.

"You can encourage some truth out of us..." Ian simply replied, now practically beaming that he'd be able to get some dirty on Mandy out in the open.

"So who starts?" Mickey asked. With everyone's eyes locked on him, he soon worked out that it was the wrong question. "Fuck it. Dare."

"Down your drink." Ian smiled like the joker. Nice and simple to begin with; with that Mickey did as he was told, just the way he liked it.

"Guess you're next..." Mickey said, as he grabbed another beer.

"Truth." Ian said, taking the smile from Mickey's face. He had had plans ruined.

"Wimp! Well shot first..." Mandy stated. She was going to get something out of this. "Have you ever fancied women? Remember it's in the title... Truth."

"Well it may shock you, but yes. Next." Mickey and Lip both looked at him as if he had announced that he was the pope. How did neither of them know this? What else did Mandy know?

"Lip you're up." Mickey said, he really didn't care about anyone except Gallagher. When would he get to taste him again?

"Dare."

Mandy looked around for a minute to see what she could get him to do. "How about something physical?" She said with a grin. "How about 30 press ups? The shirt is optional." She was practically laughing now.

Lip got to 19 before he collapsed. How the fuck did Ian manage to get to 100? The only thing he noticed during him might attempt was the secret glances between Ian and Mickey. Did they really not notice that they were both doing it?

"Dare." Mandy stated proudly before anyone asked and Lip was able to make a suggestion as he was downing his punishment.

"Arm wrestle Lip." Ian was quick to respond. This would be interesting.

With that Lip had been humiliated, everyone else were certainly having fun. Mickey was next with a truth, he apparently had never actually fucked Angie, just finger-banged.

"Dare." There was a look between Mandy and Lip. This was going to be awkward, because they both knew what it was that this party needed.

They both said "Strip tease."

"Fuck." Ian said, should he just take the shots? He'd do them anyway... He'd never actually been asked to do it before now, but at least he'd get a reaction. "Prepare yourself for heaven." Ian said, as he took off his shirt and turned to face Mandy.

With that he got to work, adding his own music with the help of Lip. Those were the longest 30 seconds of Mickey's night so far, was he ever going to get a turn. At least Gallagher had some useful moves.

"No tips?" Was all that Mandy could say before she passed Ian another drink.

.

It was nearly midnight, Lip was throwing up in the bathroom and Mandy making sure it went in the toilet. Mickey and Ian were both sat on the sofa. They never got to kiss during their game, they did however get to feel each other up though. Ian was dared to pin Mickey against the wall and give him a frisk search...

The evening had been so unnatural. Happiness shouldn't exist in a place like this. Was this what they had both prevented themselves from having over the last year? And why? Just in case... Man was Lip a wimp! Yes he didn't manage to do his dares, but it was his own fault for not choosing to do truths.

As they both sat looking at infomercials on the TV Mickey's hand slowly appeared on Ian's leg. This small amount of contact was like electricity. No not quiet, electricity only strikes once... It was more like hearing a gunshot, you never know when but it happens... Mickey was looking straight ahead, not daring himself to see if Gallagher had noticed. Ian knew what was happening, he slowly rested backwards and let his arm linger on the back of the sofa.

They both looked hoping not to see each other's eyes until it happened. From a smile to a desire in just moments. Once their eyes connected they couldn't look away, they had been in a similar position earlier in the evening for it to be interrupted. Mickey's hand moved upwards and rested on Gallagher's crotch as Gallagher lifted his hip slightly. It was a silent step by step to foreplay guide. Then it happened.

Mickey took a chance, he leaned into Gallagher, closed his eyes and hoped that it would be reciprocated. The last time their lips had met were Mickey's wedding. Ian felt guilt at realising this, but having lowered his expectation threshold with beer he allowed his emotions to take control. As Mickey's lips were waiting on Ian's they stopped. They could feel each other's drunken breath. In and out, in and out. Ian could do nothing but lean forward.

It was then that they heard a cough from behind them. Suddenly they were pulled back to normality. They weren't in a magically fairytale. Mandy had sat herself down as Lip finished washing his face. There, for that one moment they both knew that they wanted each other. The forgotten pain had been suspended, the kiss after such a long time just reminded them of what it meant to be whole. Ian had felt like less of a man for months, he didn't feel needs, wanted... Used and abused. Somehow it was the person that made him feel like that that brought him back. Only for a moment, but being complete for that one moment was enough to keep him going for a little longer.

Would it have happened if they hadn't have been drunk? Would they ever get to feel that completeness again? Like a beer on a hot day, like a warm home in a snowstorm. Mandy coughed even harder. Ian looked at her to see what her problem was, only for him to look down and see that Mickey was still rubbing his groin.


	17. Chapter 17

Lip sure couldn't handle his liquor. There was no way he would make it back, especially since he was supposed to be keeping Ian safe. There was no way around the fact that both had to stay the night. Neither Mandy nor Mickey seemed to mind this too much, but there was a flaw. Where to sleep?

Lip had often been accustomed to sleeping in Mandy's bed, he had been doing it regularly since Ian's time in hospital. What were they supposed to do with Ian? After everyone began to cut back on the booze Ian just kept going, as if there was a special prize for finishing it all. Naturally he'd want to sleep in Mickey's room, but that was not going to happen. If Terry were to catch him in Mickey's bed he'd be dead, especially since he could hardly make a run for it. Svetlana would be back soon too.

That left only 2 options, either sleep on the sofa or sleep on Mandy's floor. There was no way Ian was going to risk staying in Mickey's room. He hadn't stepped inside since he left Mickey a letter. Looking at the options the decision was made for Ian that he'd sleep on the sofa, after grabbing a glass of water, a blanket and a pillow, he lay down.

Mandy and Lip had already gone to bed, Mickey had gone to his room. It was strange being here in the dark. Ian had never noticed the street light outside the Milkovich house before. As much as he wanted to sleep, he couldn't. After 20 minutes of playing with his new phone he got a text from Mickey:

I can't sleep either.

Me neither.

With that Mickey grabbed a blanket, wrapped it around him and walked into the living room. He grabbed the remote and put the TV on quietly, it was something he had found himself doing for weeks in hospital; though he was never worried about being quiet then.

"Do you ever sleep?" Mickey simply said.

"Yeah, sometimes. You?"

"Sometimes." There was so much that they both wanted to say, to do, to show. It was with a dry mouth that Mickey picked up the courage, thanks to alcohol, to ask what had been on his mind all night. "Do you remember what happened to you?"

Ian's eyes didn't move away from the TV, he didn't need to see the pain in Mickey's eyes. He'd always known it was there. "Some, not all. It's been taking a while for it all to piece together in my head. It gives me stuff to think about in the middle of the night." Ian knew that Mickey wanted to talk about it all, so he could sleep himself.

"Tell me what you remember." Mickey's voice was hoarse and broken. He never wanted to relive it all, but at least he could explain everything. This was glorious pain, inevitable pain. He just wished he didn't have to be so close to where it actually happened.

"I remember putting that letter in your bed... No, in your pillow. I'd written it the night of your wedding." Ian was glad for the water he now held in his hands, it gave him an excuse to take his time. The memories all blurred together. "I remember walking out of Mandy's room and watching you fall asleep. I could almost feel your heart beat slow down. It was calming, it helped me say goodbye."

"I didn't fall asleep, I was trying to stop it happening. I didn't want to sleep..." Mickey said, finding a spare beer on the ground.

"I know, but I figured that I'd have to go. Mandy and Lip were probably still out there looking..."

"They were asleep. They wanted to rest and catch you before you left. It was only me that was out there, just me looking for you, just me thinking about you..."

"Oh, oh right." Ian said, sitting himself up. The dark room lit up by a light outside and the TV, and the forgotten light from under the kitchen door.

"Is that all?" Mickey said, unable to look up. His hands had somehow become much more interesting.

"No, the next bit took me a while to remember." Ian took a breath before continuing. "I remember the cold, I remember the moon. Then I heard you. You were behind me. I was freezing, I couldn't move from the spot."

"Why couldn't you move?" Mickey needed to understand why Gallagher hadn't moved, what had stopped him?

"I don't know. I really want to remember, but I can't. I thought for a while that maybe it was because it was cold - but that never stopped me going outside before. I thought maybe it was because of your voice - but that never stopped me leaving before. I thought maybe I just stopped myself."

"What does that mean? That it was my voice?" Mickey grabbed his beer and sat next to Ian, their warmth keeping them alive in this silence.

"I think it was the first time to spoke to me." Ian said looking at Mickey's face for the first time since he came in.

"What?"

"The first time you spoke to me, spoke to me like I mattered or had a say. The first time I was allowed to do what I wanted, not just because you wanted me to." Ian knew there was pain, pain is love. "I felt happy in that one word. Don't."

Mickey was so confused. What did this all mean? Gallagher could have done whatever he wanted hundreds of times. He never had to meet up with him, he never had to leave his friends to help him... Why was he making seem like he had to do those things?

"Why did you not think you mattered?" Mickey said a frown on his forehead.

"Because I didn't. Why else did you think I could leave you all behind?" There was no response, "I didn't matter. I wouldn't be missed. At least by joining up I'd be able to help someone who needed me."

Silence. Was it really that hard for Mickey to just hold him and tell him he needed him? Even now, even after what they'd been through?

Mumbling. Ian couldn't understand what Mickey was saying, "What?"

"You did matter. You do matter." Mickey leaned into Gallagher their kiss earlier still playing on his mind.

"No. I didn't. You tried to stop me." Gallagher got up and started walking to the kitchen to get more water. What else did he know?

"What do you mean?" Mickey asked when Gallagher sat down on the other side of the sofa, putting an uneasy distance between them.

"You came over and kissed my neck, it felt so right. Then it happened." Mickey's heart was pounding, or was it just the alcohol. "You couldn't say it back."

Mickey couldn't remember what Gallagher had said, all he could see was what happened next. It had been on loop in his head for weeks, no pause button, just constant colourful picture and surround sound. "Say what?"

"You don't remember?" Ian was confused, what was he doing? He shouldn't be speaking about this, he should leave, he needed to breath.

"No, tell me." Mickey said, he could tell what Gallagher was thinking as he looked at the door.

"I should go. I shouldn't be here, what if your Dad comes in?" There it was, the word that could inflict a different type of pain, fear.

"I need you to tell me." Mickey was desperate no know. There was no way Mickey would let him leave alone. Ian could tell, he had felt this before. Mickey would want to say something, demand information...

"Fine." He was trapped, and although he wanted to tell him, he wanted to reserve it for when the time was right, not right now. "I told you that you didn't love me."

Mickey couldn't look at him. He knew why he didn't want to say it now. There was no way he'd stop there though... Mickey needed to know everything.

"Do you believe that?" Mickey said suddenly finding the infomercial on the TV interesting.

"Look at me." Ian demanded, he wasn't going to tell him this if he didn't have enough courage to look at him. Mickey looked around a small tear forming in his eye. "I did believe that, I don't anymore."

"What changed?"

"I heard what you said in the hospital."


	18. Chapter 18

"Why didn't you say anything?" Mickey said, still in shock. He wanted to find out how much of that night he remembered only for Gallagher to come out with more information.

"I didn't think you'd need to be reminded of what you said." Ian simply said.

"So what else do you remember?" Mickey said. It could only get worse.

I remember being on the ground, I remember what he did, I remember what he said, I remember what I said... Ian was racing through it in his mind. He didn't want to tell Mickey anything. He didn't need to go back over what had happened. He needed time.

"That's all. I remember being asleep. I was trapped in darkness, I could hear people talk and could do nothing about it." Ian said, trying to brush over the facts.

"What do you remember about that night..." Mickey's eyes said it all, he needed to know. As much as Ian couldn't tell him, he wanted to.

"Nothing, I don't remember anything after I told you you didn't love me." Ian sat back down. He wasn't going anywhere.

"Gallagher..." Mickey had to tell him, he needed to know.

"I don't want to know Mickey." Ian had had enough of this game. Enough was enough. He was starting to feel tired.

"Gallagher..." Mickey again tried to get him to look at him.

"No. I don't want to hear it." Ian got up and started to walk to the kitchen, Mickey got up and followed him.

"Ian."

What the fuck was happening? Why would he call him that? He never thought he'd ever hear Mickey Milkovich call him by his first name. In some ways he preferred Mickey calling him Gallagher. When he hear his surname he always knew who it was, it gave him a sense of security. Ian? What the fuck? He didn't want to hear it, simple as. Ian didn't want to be his confessor.

"Don't fucking call me that." Ian stated as Mickey followed him.

"If I don't tell you, I have to tell someone." Tears were falling down his cheek. "I can't keep it in. I want to tell you, I need to tell you." He had never in his life been this sensitive, or close to being killed. He felt like he was naked in the alibi with every eye watching him. "I promise I'll never mention it again, but I need to tell you."

Ian couldn't deal with this. The final straw. He understood that Mickey needed to talk to someone, but the one person he couldn't expect it to be was Ian. He had a sister who would listen to everything and anything; but he didn't. He had all those chances to tell Lip or Fiona and didn't. For fuck sake he had a wife, who had seen what had happened. Had he spent all those nights since with his wife beside him and not thought to tell her.

With that Ian put down his glass, turned to see that Mickey was turning into an emotional wreck. No, not tonight. He didn't care how he did it, he was leaving. He would use Mickey's own manipulative tricks against him. If he wanted to talk he could talk. Why had he waited until Ian was drunk? Had he not thought that he'd be able to escape?

"I don't care. You have Svetlana to talk to." Ian walked past a stunned Mickey, and picked up his coat. It was going to be cold.

"What? What do you think you're doing?" Mickey said. What was he thinking letting this fucking fag get to him? He remembered why it had happened, he remembered Gallagher saying things that he knew would set him off. Was he really going to start this again?

"Well, I don't remember what happened that night. I've told you that you don't love me, I've told you the same thing tonight, and you still can't bring yourself to say it. You want to get things off your chest so you'll feel better." Ian was slowly walking towards the door, the winter air waking him up again. "How do you think I feel about it all? Do you think that I'll feel better knowing all the details?" Ian was looking Mickey in the eye daring him to say something.

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"Do you love me? Or even really care for me?"

"What?"

"Well you told me that you cared for me when you thought I'd never hear it. Was that just a lie? Just a lie to make yourself feel better?"

"No. It wasn't..."

"Well you know what Mick? I just came over to watch a movie and relax. I've at least watched a movie tonight." Ian said as he stopped Mickey being able to get a word in. He was going.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Mickey grabbed his shoulder to try and turn him around.

"I'm going home. Thanks for the drinks. I'll text you." Ian was such a spoilt kid at times, he knew when to let Mickey in, and he knew how to kick him out.

"Fuck you Gallagher." Mickey had had enough. He slammed the door as Gallagher walked home. Why had he bothered? What had the last few weeks, months been about?


	19. Chapter 19

Svetlana was walking towards her new home. She saw the Gallagher boy arguing at the front door and leave. She was just glad to get indoors, it was freezing outside. The TV was still on, it lit up the alcoholic dump in the living room. Why they couldn't put empty bottles into the bin as they got more didn't make any sense to her. She noticed the blanket and pillow on the sofa. Why would they have been there? Then she realised that it was Gallagher, he was here, then he left.

As she looked up she noticed that the kitchen light was still on. She didn't want to know, and tried to head to bed. Before she could do anything about it she had knocked one of the empty beer bottles over, it clinked against another one. She was just hopeful that they'd all had enough to drink and would sleep through the noise.

"Too cold..." Mickey came bouncing into the living room, thinking that Gallagher had come back. All he could see was his wife as his tongue caught in his mouth. "Hi Babe."

She could tell something was wrong, Mickey's eyes were red, but clearly he'd been angry about something. There was also relief until he noticed it was her. He'd been drinking, or was that just the smell of the last drops of beer on the ground? He'd barely spoken to her since she helped him get Gallagher to hospital. He'd spent ages there, she'd gotten rest at last. It had worked out well for her during those weeks.

"Hi. You good time?" Svetlana said, she didn't want to know about what had happened.

"Yeah, Mandy and Lip are asleep. Lip threw up..." Mickey said, she was here, Gallagher was not.

"Is cleaned?"

"Yeah, Mandy made sure of it." Mickey needed some normality, some stability right now. Was Gallagher on his period or something? One minute wanting to be together, kissing, touching, the next he changes the subject and runs for it. "How was work?"

"No good. No one around. I leave early." Svetlana had never been asked about work before, it was the one good thing about Mickey. She never had to explain anything, it was much more a marriage to get a green card.

Mickey knew what was going to happen. He needed to get his own way, he'd sleep with his wife to help him forget his emotions; who knew that he'd also find an ear.

.

It was nearly 2 a.m. when Ian got home. Yes it was cold, but he found relief in that. His anger had been calmed, his pain had been removed with the cold of his cheeks. He somehow found himself thinking that he should head back. It was too late, too cold and he was too weak to turn back now. It wasn't often that he'd admit he was wrong or being a dick - especially not to himself.

He got in to find that Fiona was sat still watching TV. Had she been waiting up for him? He felt a pang of guilt at this. She needed to rest, she shouldn't have to worry for them all. As Ian closed the door he walked in and sat next to her, no she wasn't awake. She'd fallen asleep. He simply lay her down into a more comfortable position, put a blanket over her and watched. He found such peace in seeing her like this, especially since she had probably tried her best to stay up to make sure he was fine.

Ian walked into the kitchen to grab a soda, he'd nearly sobered up. At least he'd be fine for work in the morning... We'll supervised recovery. He had a feeling that Mickey wouldn't be as lucky as he would be. He pulled out his phone at the thought of him... Never go to bed angry as his mum used to tell him after he and Lip had been fighting. With that he pulled out his phone and texted Mickey.

_Sorry for being a dick. I shouldn't have been like that, but I hope we can talk properly soon, not just when we're both drunk! Thanks for the kiss. G_


	20. Chapter 20

It was nearly 7, and boy was his head banging. Why had he agreed to do shots? Why had he agreed to play their little game? His mouth felt like a desert, his stomach like an erupting volcano. Lip ran for the bathroom, a true appreciation of morning sickness came across his mind. It had been 10 minutes of throwing up and another 10 of dry heaving. His stomach was empty at last. Now he needed something to eat, to drink and more importantly mouthwash!

With that going through his mind he slowly got up, his head still feeling light, and walked down the corridor. Where was Ian? He couldn't remember much after he began vomiting last night. He just hoped he'd not be in the same state as he was. As he got into the living room he saw the blanket and pillow, but no one to fill it. As he made his way to the kitchen he assumed that maybe Mickey and Ian had ending up staying in Mickey's room. Grabbing some toast and a large glass of water, he headed back to Mandy's room.

As he was walking past, he decided to pop his head around Mickey's door. Bad timing, as he looked in Mickey turned over in his sleep completely naked. He didn't want to see that. But beside him, he could see Svetlana, good body... Just a pity about the personality. It was somewhat of a pit... Crisp packets on the ground... Empty hair gel, clothes, tissues around the full bin, and a condom. The smell...

As Lip walked back into Mandy's room it suddenly occurred to him. Where was his brother? With his reflexes still on slow he tried to find his jeans and grabbed his phone out. He hadn't seen him in the bathroom, the living room or the kitchen. He certainly wasn't in Mickey's room... What was Mickey doing? Had he actually slept with Svetlana last night? Had he led his brother on last night just to do that? He couldn't blame him, he was married to Svetlana and had Terry as a Dad. Lip just hoped that it was something which Ian knew about.

Ian. Lip didn't have his new number... The only person who had it was Mickey. After a few minutes of slowly eating, drinking and adjusting to the light Lip headed to the front room. Mickey's phone had been his jacket pocket last night, so that's where he'd probably find it; Lip thought to himself that he'd certainly prefer to check there first than seeing Mickey butt naked again. He was just glad he'd already thrown everything up. before it occurred to him that he had just eaten again.

"Thank fuck." Lip said to himself as he found Mickey's phone in the jacket in his hand. There was a message from Firecrotch... "Really, pet names!" Lip allowed himself a short lived grin.

_Sorry for being a dick. I shouldn't have been like that, but I hope we can talk properly soon, not just when we're both drunk! Thanks for the kiss. G_

.

_Where are you? Lip _

Ian woke up with a text. He'd for a moment thought it was Mickey finally replying. No such luck. He'd forgotten about Lip last night, he'd needed to clear his head. Even if he'd wanted to have texted him last night he couldn't, he didn't have his number. At least that little problem had been solved.

With that renewed optimism since leaving last night, Ian had finally realised that complete and perfect were never really needed. He'd make mistakes, he already had, but being able to apologize for them made you near complete. He bounced down the stairs waking everyone else up. No hangover! He immediately grabbed some orange juice from the fridge and began to get breakfast ready. He wasn't going to school so decided to be a brother and let the others get into the shower whilst the water was still hot.

It was cold, but somehow it didn't stop him. Today was a new day. For a moment he thought he must have been on ecstasy... No it wasn't, it was hope. After putting the cereal and milk out, as well as starting to make sandwiches for lunch he turned to see Fiona coming into the kitchen confused.

"Were the hell were you last night?" Fiona wasn't happy, but that was suddenly overtaken with the fact that her brother was firstly up before she was, and secondly that he was doing all her chores voluntarily."Well?"

"I was out with Lip." Ian stated and he threw the used knife into the sink. "We watched Mad Max last night with Mandy."

"And Mickey?" Fiona gave Ian a suspicious look before shouting up the stairs, "Bathrooms free!"

It always made her laugh that those were the words that could wake the dead or Carl. How could they sleep through a bomb, but the words bathrooms free get them up quicker than peanut butter disappeared if not supervised?

"So why didn't you tell me that you were going out?" No way was Ian going to get away with it, especially since Fiona's neck was cramped from it.

"I left a note Fi." Ian innocently replied, as he pointed to the fridge. He pulled out his phone to reply to Lips text, as Fiona noticed.

"Where did you steal that from?" Fiona had been glad that he hadn't had a phone the last few weeks, so that he'd be forced to stay indoors and rest.

"Gift... Early Christmas present." Ian said, hearing the sent tone confirming it. As he turned around Debbie came running down the stairs with Liam in her arms. Carl had gotten there first this morning. She'd grown up so much the last few weeks. Somehow that had always been the case. "Morning."

"Morning, why are you so happy?" Debbie asked setting Liam down in his chair. Suddenly Ian had been surprised by a question, he hadn't expected such personal insight from her.

"Erm,..."

"Good question Debs." Fiona quickly said, as she sat down to eat.

"Nothing. I'm just happy." Ian said, looking anywhere other than at Fiona.

"So how was last night?" Debbie stated matter of factly.

"Fine, Lip's still there. He's up and on his way." Why, why couldn't he think of any way of distracting them? "I'll be back in a minute."

Before either Debbie or Fiona could ask him anything more, he'd practically jumped out the front door. He needed to be rescued, with that he pulled his phone back out to check on Lip. There was something that he needed to know.


	21. Chapter 21

It was early as Mickey forced himself to get up, he turned to grab his phone to find it wasn't there. He always slept with his mobile by his bedside, it acted as a watch, a phone, a security blanket, an alarm clock... He didn't often sleep without it by his side. As his eyes adjusted to the daylight breaking through the half opened curtains, he looked at his wife, she'd be asleep for a while. He grabbed a pair of fairly clean boxers, put them on as he walked out the opened door. He didn't remember leaving it open, then again he didn't remember closing it either.

As he walked into the bathroom to relieve his bladder, he heard something coming from the front room. That wasn't unusual, his dad would often be up early from the night before dealing with packing the new "package for shipping out." As he threw water over his face to help him wake up, he took a small swirl of mouthwash and spat it into the urine covered toilet before flushing it. He passed Mandy's room without incident.

As he walked into the living room he was immediately hit with 2 things. The smell of last night's beer, which he at least couldn't currently taste; and the banging noise of bottles as they were being put into the trash.

"Morning firecrotch" Lip happily chirped, he was cleaning the place. He'd been up for a little while, drunk plenty of water and eaten some toast and bacon. He knew he was playing with fire by using that term of endearment with Mickey Milkovich.

"What the fuck did you call me?" Mickey was bearly away, he may have let his hair down last night, but he wasn't going to take any bullshit from Lip.

"Firecrotch, where is Ian?" Lip said turning to now face the aggravated Milkovich as he continued to do his part. "He was gone when I got up this morning, since I left him with you last night I decided that I'd ask you where he is." Mickey didn't know what Lip knew, but he knew what he was insinuating; that if Gallagher wasn't there it was Mickey's fault.

"You seem to have been up for a while, you should be able to tell me." Mickey said as he walked towards the kitchen.

"I'd call him, but I don't have his number. Wasn't he sleeping with you last night?" God how Mickey hated happiness first thing in the morning.

"No, he didn't sleep in my room last night as you can see. Why do you think the blanket and pillow are sat right there?" Mickey walked off, he didn't know why he wasn't being honest. He wasn't awake right now.

"What does he need to talk to you about?"

Something flashed in Mickey's mind. Last night, he had gotten rid of Gallagher. Why hadn't he just let Mickey tell him what he needed to. Then he felt rage building up. Svetlana, he had fucked her last night. Then a shiver of why Gallagher wanted to talk to him, why had Lip said that? As Mickey turned to get the information he wanted, he was stunned to see his phone nearly hit him in the face.

"Call him. Tell him the truth for once." Lip said as he stared Mickey in the eye, daring him to say anything. Mickey was silent as Lip grabbed his jacket and walked to the door before adding the words that could have gotten him shot. "Before I tell him."

What was there to tell? Did Lip know something that he wasn't aware of? What could he possibly tell Gallagher that he didn't already know, or get him into trouble? Then it hit him in the chest like a ton of bricks, crushing all his internal organs at once. He knew, he knew.

The door had been left open, the knowing smile of a smart ass... Lip knew that Mickey had been fucking Svetlana last night, he knew the perfect way of making Gallagher see sense. He was going to lose him if he didn't break him himself. Lip was going to tell his brother.

.

As Lip spotted Ian, he started to almost skip along to catch him. He didn't make empty promises, he would tell his brother the truth. As much as Ian would hate his brother for it, he knew it was the right thing to do. Ian was heading to work, as Lip caught up with him.

"Wait up!" Lip called.

"Don't want to be late, it takes me long enough to get there." Ian replied, phone in hand, secretly looking at it every few minutes. Hoping for a response.

"I need to talk to you about last night." Lip said hoping to slow down his brother.

"Sure, what about?" Ian said, not knowing the seriousness of what Lip was trying to tell him.

"What you doing later?" Lip couldn't do it here in the middle of the street. He'd have to sit his brother down and extract information before refreshing his version of his relationship.

"I might have plans." Ian said looking at his brother as if he had something written on his forehead.

"Oh, you spoken to Mickey then?"

"No, but we might catch up later." Ian explained, had he had a falling out with Mandy or Karen? "If you've got a problem I'm all ears. I'm here for you."

"Tomorrow? Tomorrow then? Lads night out, just the 2 of us." Lip stuttered out. He didn't want to be the bad guy in this. Mickey had one day to tell him, every little detail.


	22. Chapter 22

Mickey had been hovering his finger over the call button for the last 10 minutes. He needed to speak to him, needed to explain. He had nothing to be ashamed of, he was married. Would Gallagher expect him not to have done it? That was his life now, and after last night, he could have no excuses. Gallagher had been the one to tell him to talk to his wife, though he hadn't actually talked much.

Having decided not to call simply because he didn't know what he could say. Had Lip already told him? Would he really do that to his brother? He simply picked up his phone and texted Gallagher.

_Meet at alibi after work to talk? _

After 2 minutes waiting to see his phone light up, many things went through his head. Gallagher already knew, and had known for a while? Gallagher had been told, and decided not to respond for a while? Gallagher didn't know, but was still pissed off since last night? Gallagher didn't know and just hadn't seen his phone... Before he could decide what to believe he almost crapped his pants as his phone rang in his hand.

"Hi." Mickey said without looking to see who had called.

"Hi Firecrotch." Lip fucking Gallagher.

"Fuck do you want?" Mickey secretly cursed himself, he knew that if he needed time, Lip was the one to give it. "Seen Ian yet?"

"Yes." For some unknown reason Lip was reluctant to say a single word more than he needed to.

"And?" Mickey waited for a response that would never come. "How did he take the news?"

"What you doing later?" Lip wanted to play his little game. It wasn't often he had someone like Mickey Milkovich eating out of the palm of his hand.

"Why? Hoping to speak to Ian then. I've told him to meet me for a drink at the Alibi." Mickey explained, which went down like a lead balloon.

"No. No way. The last thing he needs to be doing is drinking with you alone." Lip finally had enough, "I'm sure the last thing you want is a drunk teenager like Ian telling the whole of the Southside that he's got feelings for you... In public."

Mickey hadn't thought this through. Lip knew Ian too well, he'd always been touchy feely when he'd been drinking. For a while Mickey had just thought it was because he fancied him so much - no, it was just the way Gallagher expressed himself. Man, woman or cuddly bear... As soon as he'd start drinking he didn't know how to switch the volume down or put the hands down either.

"We're just meeting there to head on." Mickey tried to get away with another plan... "We're heading to the cinema... And for something to eat."

.

It was 2 o'clock, Ian had been laughing and talking all day. He'd forgotten that he had a phone and hadn't been checking it. He glanced at it to find a message from Mickey. He'd wanted to meet up and talk about last night, somehow that seemed a little boring from what Ian was currently doing. It had seemed like days since last night.

When Ian arrived 4 minutes early, he turned up to find someone new in the store. A replacement? No, it wasn't a replacement. It was a new member of staff, since Amir had to go back home, Yvonne had decided to replace Cash at last. Danny was 23, tall with bright blue eyes that dazzled over his short dark hair. More importantly he "Could sell the vodka legally" during the night shifts, because there had been more and more cops around.

They had been laughing for hours, telling each other their own stories. It was as Ian was sat at the till that Danny was changing the porno mags as they gave each other knowing looks, it was some taboo in the Southside. Somehow this shop, this particular shelf seemed to allow perverts and homos to come together. Danny was bisexual, which after 20 minutes of arguing, Ian still decided wasn't right...

"There's no such thing as Bi... It's just laziness." Ian said, still laughing. He had literally never felt so comfortable about talking about things... He never mentioned names, just shared experiences.

"Nah, it's just that I'm not as interested as you in looks..." Danny said, looking at Ian when he turned away, wanting to know every detail.

"The best shit gets the flies..."

"So what are you doing later? I'm supposed to be heading out." Danny wanted to get to know Ian more. Was he going to be able to dance? No. Was he going to have a good time? Yes.

"Nothing much..." Ian said giving Danny a knowing look, his diary would be cleared...


	23. Chapter 23

Mickey still hadn't heard from Gallagher, he'd texted and called... Fuck, that bitch was the one who asked him to talk; though deep down he knew that that wasn't true. It was nearly 4, and Mickey had been waiting outside the Cash n Grab. He knew Gallagher was working, he could see him through the window. He was pacing, he was confused, what the hell was he doing - he wasn't gay...

He wasn't into guys, just this one. That didn't make him gay... How did he explain that? Why did he care so much if Gallagher knew that he'd been sleeping with his wife? As much as Mickey tried to convince himself of this, he kept being thrown under the bus and come out with the same answer. He was in love. He didn't just want to be fucked, he didn't just want to be with him every moment of every day, he wanted more. Needed more.

As Mickey walked towards the door he stopped. There was someone else inside, he couldn't talk to Gallagher with anyone else there. As much as he loved Gallagher, he knew that he couldn't tell anyone, he could barely tell himself. He was laughing, with another guy. His heart felt like it was going to burst, he wanted to be the one who made him laugh - but they hadn't laughed for a long time. It had been months since they could both laugh together.

As he looked at the red head he looked at his face - it was lit up, why the fuck was he so happy? What could they have been talking about? His eyes secretly looking at this stranger, hidden glances, smiles. It was the just way that Mickey used to look at Gallagher, hidden, secret, in the shadows, alone. Standing outside he realised that that was still the case, they'd never come any closer since that first meeting. Is that how Gallagher had been feeling all this time? Had he known this?

.

Nothing much... That had left the door open. Ian was enjoying the fact he could talk about his feelings, rather than pretending that it didn't exist. He and Cash used to check out the guys when they came in, laughed about it, somehow that's what was now happening with Danny. Acceptance.

"So you seeing anyone at the moment?" Ian said pricing up some cans at the till.

"No, there was a guy but he turned out to be a dick." Danny said, stacking the magazine shelves.

"Huh, how come?"

"He never wanted to be called my boyfriend. I've no problem with the closets, but I'm not going to be taken for granted." Danny said looking at Ian checking out his ass. "Like what you see, huh?"

"Erm..." Ian said suddenly looking away and dropping the can of tomatoes on his foot. "Aah."

"It'll be fine." Danny walked over to the till to check on Ian.

Mickey was at the door looking on rubbing the collar of his neck. Danny was right in front of Ian, they could feel each other's breath. Danny's hand gently allowing itself to touch Ian, and Ian willingly let it happen.

"Are you ok?" Danny said, his hand on Ian's chest.

Ian could hardly breath, "Erm... Yeah." He looked up and into Danny's blue eyes, he knew what Danny knew. They both wanted something, something that they could say out loud.

As Danny clenched the growing hair at the back of Ian's head, he came in for a kiss. It lingered in the air. Danny broke the kiss first, holding his head near enough to feel each other's breath. As Danny wet and bit his lip, Ian couldn't stop himself. He wanted more, needed to be needed. Before he could breathe again, the door opened. Somehow neither cared about what it might look like, it felt completely normal.

.

It happened, all in the space of a minute. Role reversal. Ian was smiling, looking into Danny's eyes; then he looked over his shoulder and there stood Mickey. He was looking around, out of place. Danny looked at Ian again, picking up the can of tomatoes off the ground before turning to face his customer.

"How can I help you?" Danny said as if the world hadn't just stopped.

"Can I talk to Ian?" Mickey said, trying his best not to punch this guy in the face.

"Sure, I've got some inventory to sort out." Danny said as he walked off. He knew who this was, Ian had been mentioning him. It was a minute before Ian turned to face Mickey, sorting out his foot.

"Thanks for last night." Ian said, he knew this side of Mickey. Everything is normal.

"I was trying to get in touch with you, to talk..." Mickey said, fear and anger building up inside him.

"Sure, go ahead." Ian was at least protected by the fact he was behind the counter.

"Erm..." Mickey was panicing... He couldn't do it here. Gallagher knew that, and he still put him in this position. Did he even care at all? "Lip suggested a film to catch later on, if you're up for it?" He could see Ian's eyes drifting away from him.

"Sorry Mick, I've already got plans tonight - what about tomorrow?" Why was Gallagher stabbing Mickey in the chest with a rusty blade?

"Sure." Mickey was holding back the tears, he was stronger than these fags.

Ian knew that Mickey wanted to know what he had just seen. "Anything else? I gotta get back to work." Ian said, he'd spoon fed him for long enough.

"Who's he?" Mickey almost whispered and shouted at the same time under his breath.

"Danny."

"Is he working here now?"

"Yeah, Amir has gone home. Danny is here to permanently replace him as the new store manager."

"Good replacement for towel head."

"What do you mean?"

"Well he's already getting his hands on the staff..." Mickey wanted to walk away, it would be so easy just to leave. One day ago he'd given Gallagher a phone, they'd talk... The very next day he'd been replaced.

"What do you care?" Ian knew that he should just let it go, but after the confusion of the last few weeks Ian needed to move on. Lip told him before Mickey got married to find someone new to fuck, well he'd finally taken some advice.

"Why do you think I'd care?" Mickey was in denial. He'd come so close to telling Gallagher how he felt, and now he was being thrown back. "Svet says hi by the way."

"Ok." Ian said, he knew what Mickey was doing. He didn't care.

"You told me to talk to her." Mickey stated, hoping to have his usual effect on Gallagher. "We didn't talk." Anger, if Lip needed his little perfect brother to know, this was the time.

"I know." Ian said, smiling.

He knew more than Lip or Mickey knew. Of course he knew he'd been fucking his wife. He'd known for months, never told. That was one of many things that lead to Ian feeling alone, abandoned. That's why he wanted to head off to the army. Not anymore. He was stronger now, stronger than Mickey could be.

"I know you've been fucking Svetlana. I know you fucked her last night. I know."

This was only making Mickey more angry, he'd been holding this secret in. Somehow the pain of that was made to seem pointless. "How'd you know?"

"I've just known. Last night I texted you to talk, but you never want to talk."

"What the fuck did you want to talk about then?" Mickey grabbed a Mars bar and began to slowly open it, anything to give him a distraction from the boy he loved and hated so much.

"It doesn't matter now. I've gotten over it."

"I can tell." Mickey said, looking over his shoulder at Danny. "Didn't take you long."

"What do you mean?"

"Well the crap we've been through the last few weeks. You not wanting me around you since the accident. You not wanting me to be alone with you, or wanting me to touch or ... or kiss you..." Mickey looked around suspiciously. "I can't believe you did it all because you'd moved on."

"Moved on?" Finally Ian had allowed his cool to heat up. "I haven't moved on..."

"What do you think I've been watching for the last half hour?"

"You've been outside stalking me?" Ian was getting creeped out. "If you'd actually looked you'd have seen we were working."

"Feeling each other up..."

Ian's eyes fell, he'd been caught. It was a mistake, but one that he was blessed to have. He'd found someone who wanted him, there was nothing wrong or disgraceful about that. It had only been a few hours at work, but somehow they were closer than he or Mickey had ever been in the last year.

"So does he take it up the ass?" Mickey wanted a reaction.

"We've never fucked... He only arrived today."

Somehow Mickey knew that that was true, but it didn't stop him. He was shocked at Gallagher's next words. "Do you let Svetlana fuck you in the ass?"


	24. Chapter 24

**Thanks for checking it out. Been busy, but there will be more to come. X**

Two days later Mickey was arriving for work, as he opened the door he noticed who was stood inside. Danny. He had gone out with Gallagher, Lip had told him that nothing had happened but Mickey didn't believe a word of it. How could he do that? Why did he care? Nothing much was said for the first 3 hours; Mickey stayed close to the door and Danny at the till. He couldn't get further away, he was already on a warning from Yvonne about not turning up and staying when he was supposed to.

Every now and then as Mickey was staring at Danny someone would come in and the bell would startle him. It was almost like getting caught out, it used to feel that way before Gallagher. This was someone who Mickey didn't know, didn't like yet he was staring at. Gallagher was his mate, they worked together, he was allowed to look, he had to look.

It happened at 11 that morning, the inevitable. Gallagher walked through the door, he knew that Mickey was looking at Danny. There was nothing sexual in his eyes. Work. As Gallagher walked in, he didn't look at Mickey, he didn't look at Danny. He walked straight through the shop and upstairs to see Yvonne in the office. Danny and Mickey both had the same look on their face, though one was reluctant to admit it.

After half an hour, Ian walked down the stairs, picked up a coke out of the fridge and walked over to Danny to pay for it.

"What was that about?" Danny asked pointing upwards.

Ian continued looking at the candy bars in front of him. "Just some work stuff." There was a cough behind him, he knew what this was about. "Yeah?"

"$3" Danny said, as Ian gave him the cash. There was a small smile developing on his lips.

"What do you want Mickey?" Ian said turning around, he didn't have anything more to say to him. They had their opinions, they expressed it, they got on with it.

"You never showed." Mickey said, he was still under the impression that they were going to go the cinema, talk about stuff, be together.

"I know. I was busy." Ian said as he picked up his purchases, look in Danny's eyes and turned to leave.

As he walked out the door, he was followed by Mickey. He always had to have his say. "What do you want Mick?"

"I want to talk. You always run away." Mickey said, not wanting to say this in public.

"I don't run away, I just don't like listening to a broken record."

"You were the one who wanted to talk the other night." Mickey pointed out, hoping that he would get a minute and that Yvonne would give him a break.

"I did. 2 minutes." Ian said, looking at his watch. If Mickey walked to talk, then he would do it here, now."Go."

"Why didn't you show up last night?"

"I was out with a mate."

"Danny?" Mickey stuttered out, why was this so hard.

"Yeah, he's a good listener." Ian finally looked at Mickey in the eyes.

"Why didn't you text or call me? I was waiting for an hour." Mickey was humiliating himself by admitting it, but it was the best way to get inside Gallagher's head.

"My bad. I just thought you'd go with Svetlana, your wife."

"Why do you have to keep bringing her up?" Mickey looked at the door of the Cash n Grab. Would Danny cover for him?

"I told you what getting married meant. You have a wife, you're going to have a kid. That's your life. I've to get on with my life." Ian had finally said what he had wanted to since the moment he walked into Mickey's room after his wedding. "I have to move on."

It took Mickey 10 seconds before he could say anything. He had never really thought about what Gallagher had said that day. He knew he was upset, but had convinced himself that he'd quickly move past it. Thought he had until he tried to run away to the army. Then the accident happened, well not exactly an accident... It was a plane crash. Gallagher tried to run, Mickey tried to stop him. Role reversal.

"What do feel for her?" Ian asked, he'd ask some questions if Mickey couldn't.

Mickey looked up and into the blue eyed boy. Fear. The fact that Mickey had to get married still seemed secondary to Gallagher. He just didn't seem to understand.

"You know what I feel for her. Why do you have to ask that?"

"Well, the fact that you're already with someone else, the fact that you're fucking them... What am I?" Ian could barely allow himself to ask it.

"You know I had to marry Svetlana." It was one of the few times Mickey allowed himself to speak her name, like calling out Voldemort or Candyman in a mirror at midnight. "You know how I feel about you."

"No, no Mickey I don't." Ian stated losing himself again. "I'm just a friend when you need something. I'm just a play thing when I decide what I want to do and you have other plans. I'm just a cock when you admit that you want it." A tear was running down Mickey's face, he made no attempt to touch it. "That's what I mean to you."

"Is that really what you believe?" Mickey could barely speak now, he was choked up.

"I know it's not what you believe, but I know that that's the way it is." Ian said, starting to allow his legs to move. "I've never been anything other than a fuck mate to you. I've moved on. I matter. I matter to someone." Ian took a moment to think, "When I was heading to the army, the one thing that went through my head was why should I stay? I came up with one answer. To be used. I came up with a 100 reasons to go. For every one of those 100 reasons, you stopped me going. I needed to go. You stopped me..."

"You were never used. What about your family, Mandy... They were reasons to stay. You chose to be a selfish prick. Yes, I was those 100 reasons to go, but they should have been the one reason for you to stay."

"No, you made me feel like a tied up whore. I wasn't anything. I still am nothing." Ian's first tear dropped.

"Is that why you haven't wanted me near you? How fucking dare you say that it was all me. You knew what the situation was, you chose to call me. You even came to my house and begged me... And not even once."

"I was a kid then." Ian paused, "So is that all? You've had your little talk... Can we move on?" Ian couldn't do it anymore, he was just so tired.

"No, I can never move on." Mickey said, why had he been so afraid? "You know how I feel about you. Do I really need to tell you? Would me telling you help? Make a difference or change your mind?"

"Maybe, maybe not. I don't know."

"Well if it's the last chance that I have to say it, then so be it." Mickey looked around there wasn't anyone around yet. "I love you."


End file.
